The archive of the forgotten

genetic grief

How frustrating is it when your life hands you everything to be succesful?
I wouldn't know.

Life is far from perfect, and my life is even further from it. And I love my life, who am I to ask for more? This is what I have begun to love, I will be the best to ever be in this life.
But lying has never been my strong side. I do ask for more, I ask to be normal.

When I was young my mother told me a story about my father, she told me that his dad had killed himself when he was six, just like he had done to me, and his father before that, and his father before that, and his father before..... I decided than and there never to have kids, so I would not have to part ways. But apart from that, I do not have any chance of being a father, I haven't been out of this estate since I was six.

My mother has always valued safety and so when dad died we were forbidden to leave the property. I understand, of course I understand my mother. I would always follow her advice, I trust her blindly, even if that makes me incredibly lonely. I understand, I understand, I understand, I UNDERSTAND!!!!! I ALWAYS UNDERSTAND. STOP IT Octavius! Take a deep breath.

I walk down the stairs I avoid the white tiles on the floor to keep my mind busier than it normally is. Now that I've finished school there is absolutely nothing exciting about living, the luxury that is mine can't be used half the time. We could go to some faraway land but because my mother is frightened I need to read about it, close my eyes, and pretend I can imagine what it is like there. But I cannot even imagine what it is like to be in a room full of people. The only people I talk to are the help and my mother. I'm leaving,.... I am leaving..... SHUT UP OCTAVIUS!

I enter the kitchen to grab a pomegranate. I see my mother sitting at the table, her head in her hands.
"Good morning mum." I say, interrupting her tears with a voice that would be better suited for a twelve year old.
She looks up and wipes her tears. I take a pomegranate from the bowl and sit down across the table.
"I am sorry you have to see me like this Octavius." She says as she wipes her eyes.
I smile to myself while she doesn't look. As if I do not see her like that all the time. I break open the pomegrenate and it the red insides show like the heart I hide, or the consequences of a grenade.
"It's alright mum" I say with a faint smile (it's always alright, it's always alright, SHUT UP), looking her up and down, she still always wears her black clothes. I don't even remember her in colourful clothes. I look at her beautiful white hair and her blue eyes, she painfully reminds me of my brother, if he would have had white hair he would be her doppelganger. My brother.... I look down and see how the red pomegrante juice spills over my hand like blood.
"It's your birthday." My mother says.
I sigh "I am aware."
She caresses my cheek and I can't help but stop breathing.
"18 years young..... even my last son is starting to leave me." she says with that conniving glance in her eyes.
I put my hand on hers and smile while closing my eyes, accidentally letting a tear escape.
"I won't mum, I'll stay with you till the end."
"I know my baby, I know, Octavius.... as you should" She says as she stands up and leaves the kitchen.

SUFFOCATING, SUFFOCATING,SUFFOCATING, SHUT UP OCTAVIUS!
I break the peel of the pomegranate as my whole body tenses up. Eighteen years, twelve years on this estate, six years alone, it has been enough, enough, enough.....SHUT UP! I slam my fists on the table.
"Everything alright master Octavius?" Remington asks.
I am startled by him but I just smile and shake my head.
"You know, your brother used to do that a lot..." He says.
"SHUT UP!!!" I scream, this time out loud. 

I run away, back to my room. I don't want to talk to anyone today. Not that you normally do. SHUT UP!!

I close my door and open the window. I take a deep breath as I imagine what life is like in the normal world. SHUT UP! I sit down on the windowsill like my brother used to do and swing my legs out of the window. II take a deep breath as I light my cigarette. I shake my head and burn my hand to feel something, just cry octavius, just cry. I sigh and shake my head, again and again. As if I want to forget everything about myself, everything, everything, everything,. SHUT UP!