The archive of the forgotten

my last phone call

to whom it might concern,

If I would only have one phone call left before my death I would call you. I don't know if you would even remember my name by the time I die, maybe we had a falling out but even so, I would call you. Your voice is nothing like the voice of a lover whispering compliments, no it's big, it's bold and insulting. In the best way possible, you would not act like I am fragile because of the illness or my imminent death. You've never been the type to  be scared of death, I am not the type to be scared of death. But I yearn for it, you simply accept it as a fact. I have always envied that part of you, the happiness that didn't believe in bad luck. Luck is luck you said.

I always imagine that we should have been siblings but fate misplaced us in a bad turn of events. Only for us to somehow find each other, You are a firm believer of free will, I am a sceptic. And I love the dreaming of your soul. The way you can look at me as if I am made from stained glass while your head is currently composing the stupidest ideas in the world. The way you can come up with the most outrageous stories and claim them to be true whilst I won't believe it. But that little piece of dreamer has made my life possible, I do not have enough imagination to be brave. But than I think about you nd then I think, the only thing that can happen is being as dumb as you. And to be honest, that's not that bad. You are one of the wisest people I know, and you are the dumbest simultaneously. And I love you. 

I love you. As boys we tend to say that too little, but simultaeously I feel like we say it too much. Every time I utter it. does that take away from its worth? Does it make it more normal, does it lose its meaning? I wonder if there is a better way of saying it. My soul resides in you sounds too romantic. I adore you sounds corny. I enjoy spending time with you sounds like it is a sentence before a but.
You are like a sibling to me.
Or simply.
I love you.

But what if you don't love me. And I don't mean this romantically, I mean this..... fully. I love you like I love the first sunshine of a day. I love you in the way I would trust you to walk me down a highway if I couldn't see. I trust you in a way I would let go of you and I would trust you to come back.
And still it frightens me that you might not feel like that. I try my best to make you feel like that but you do it effortlessly. How do you teach something effortless? What if we lose touch and you forget my name? My face? While I remember your freckles and the little quirks you had while speaking? What if we grown apart and I come to hate you, while still loving you. If someone loves you they can hurt you so much more. I know I would do anything for you, but would you do it for me.
Ask me to jump and I am flying but maybe I am simply dying.

frightening isn't it? Souls? Friends? Hearts? Death? I agree.

There's something very intimate about non romantic relationships. They are almost deeper than romance, in romance we have expectations but plationicly we are free to define as we see fit. There is something so safe about crying in somebody's arms knowing they won't be the reason you will cry. Knowing they will always take your side. The side your family was supposed to take but seems to be allergic to.  The strange realisation that you'll miss him when he is gone but it is not all the time and you do not need to express it. The way you know how much beers they need to get drunk, the way they cry at that one corny song that everybody hates. To laugh at them, and knowing the know you do not mean it.

Do you think this is what family is? It sounds like the things described in books and shown in movies. I wonder if blood matters that much in silly little families or that these people sitting around the table are my family, the people checking on me, chatting with me, reading the things I write. I look at them and understand, I look at you and I understand what people mean when they say unconditional love.

I like the tiny gestures, the way you ask about my health, the way you smile when reading, the way you gently remind me of my pills. The way you are always passionate, whatever you do. Your soul is too big for this world, it is filled with all that art you've ever made and even more. You are incredible.

You are like a star, you burn bright and you die violently. I think it will be beautiful, I think it will be a disaster. I will miss you too much. I've always said I want to die young, but the truth is I do not want to grow old. I want to have opportunities, I want to run I want to dance I want to be happy and I want to grab every chance I get. But I do not want to see my friends die, and so I will be the first to go. And then you'll get this phone call. Because I want you to know it, I want to know how important you are to me, to the world, to somebody.

I remember the things we said when we were younger, when foever was only seven years but I swear. I mean it. I meant it when I wanted it to be forever. I want it to be forever.

Sincerly,

Me

A bit of a different diirection but I wanted to write the things I was thinking and I liked this so why not. It's not as poetic as my mind had it but still