The archive of the forgotten

Atlas is falling

"I do not like it when you don't let me help?" "I do not understand, what do you mean." I ask him. "Atlas, you seem to think you do not have feelings yourself. You constantly run to heal anybody's heart. Even when you barely know them or they have hurt you. I don't understand why you won't let me know you...." I smile, I have never thought about it. I just do not like talking about my feelings. But deep down I know it is not that easy.

I look at the glass of wine in my right hand. I look into the burgundry red. I feel a tear on my face. My name is the name of a legendary titan who had the duty of holding the heavens up so they wouldn't crash onto earth. This was a punishment from zeus. I wonder how my parents could have knows I am carrying universes on my shoulders. I do feel, I know that. But I don't allow myself to feel certain things. Even if I feel sadness I cannot show it. I have a set of rules, if you feel things like that either isolate yourself or put on a smile.

But I know I can't lie, I'm not doing well. There are million things running through my mind. I have never succeeded to heal some things so I bury it. And If i don't bury new things I am so terrified I will need to truly resolve the body that I have buried so long ago. My head is absolutely ablaze.

"Why can't you simply explain." Andrew screams at me, desperate for an answer. His tears of frustration move me but also scare me. "It is not simple." "I won't go away You know that Atlas. I will stick by your side." "It's not that" Welll, that's only a tiny part of it. "I do not understand." He whispers begging me for an explanation. "Do you think I do?" I say while I walk towards the window. My heart is heavier than the universe. I know why this is. Do I know why this is?

I do. I look at the setting sun as I lose the control over my body. I feel no safety. I want control at all times. I cannot have control, I know that. The only control I seem to have is this bit. If I radiate hope and kindness I will perhaps be remembered fondly. If I radiate the poinsonous fire that has been burning inside me I will only hurt people. I know it all too well, because I have done it. Who wouldn't have been hurt by something as ugly as my soul? The truth is that I am terrified of myself. I am terrified of the things I feel and the only way I can control that monster that I am afraid of is letting noone in or out. Here in my head, in my soul I am the one making the decisions, I call the shots. I know when I need to hide myself and when to let my mask slip. I have had a whole life to perfect that art.

So I will change my pain for this hollow feeling it makes me feel safe, it makes you feel safe. I know that. You do not want to see how damaged I am. A broken vase is not beautiful.

Explaining how terrified you are pf yourself seems so strange. Can you imagine somebody scared of themselves? Scarred by themselves?

What you see is the boy who can sing, who loves the world, who knows a million things and is still wants to know more, a bookworm who is fond of writing, a boy who seemingly has everything you want to know.

But you know me better than that Andrew, you know the scars on my wrists, you are familiar with the pattern of pain on my back. You are familiar with the rythm of my tears on my pillow as I fall asleep. That is a fraction of my soul.

Do you want to see more of it? Do you want to see my own blood as I chuckled at the sight of it? Do you want to see the knife that once dove into my skin? Do you want to know my tricks to stay alive? Do you want to hear the story of the red bathtub? Do you want to hear the pitch black words of hatred I have for myself?

I know who I am, I am a filthy unworthy excuse for a human. I am someone who does not deserve their place on earth. I am ungrateful, I am cowardly and most of all I am pathetic. There are no words to describe what I truly think of myself. So bury it Atlas, as always.

I look at andrew. "Andrew, I do not deserve a place on earth. I wish I was dead." He walks up to me and hugs me. "You deserve so much more Atlas." I look in his eyes, I am surprised by his reaction. What does this mean. "Andrew, I hate myself." "So I will need to love you twice as much" He says as he puts his forehead against mine. I am confused by the tenderness. Andrew, are you not terrified?

Hi everybody so I have absolutely no book to go with this scene, so that is that