The archive of the forgotten

Simply damaged

I have never known why I was hard to love. I never intended to be either, and if I am honest I do desire love. I want these things to be easy, I want to be an easy person. I want to be okay, but the truth is that I cannot. Not anymore. I am damaged, the shards can easily cut someone when they get too close. So I just before they try to pick me up I put down a warning sign.......

Italy, a few years ago

Alaunus walks up to me. "Are you alright?" "Do dogs bark?" I say sarcastically. He chuckles and it feels like a mockery although I know that it is not. "They sometimes bite too." He says with a smile. "Do you expect me to bite you now?" I ask with my eyebrow slightly askew. "Why are you acting like I have done something wrong?" "I am not acting like you have done something wrong, I am acting the way anyone would when nobody wants them." "Nobody wants you? You have been adopted Aaron and we love you. Your friends all adore you." I scoff and not. "My father killed himself, it is not easy to find out your fucking bastard of a father saw you as a burden rather than a blessing." I respond while throwing away the cigarette. "That he killed himself doesn't mean he didn't care about you. The letter is adressed to my mother and my brother. Not to me. Yes I was young, but so was my brother." "When did you find it?" He asks. "Two days ago." "That's why you've been acting like this?" He says angrily "why do you not trust me enough to tell this?" He asks.

"You wouldn't understand." I respond. "You always think you are so fucking special Aaron, a million kids have troubles with their parents. We can help you!" "It is not like I can ask for a fucking explanation, the men is dead!" I say, rather annoyed. "The problem about you Aaron is that you always think you are the victim!" My best friend says I turn to him and look him in his green eyes. "Says the one with a father who is alive and is living the life he has always dreamed of." "Now do not turn this on me Aaron, I cannot help that I am not miserable! Misery loves company doesn't it? I may be happy Aaron but isn;t that a good thing." I laugh. "Don;t play fucking charades, I have heard you cry in the middle of the night back at boarding school. I  know you and your dead are losing touch, you are scared of him!" 

"I cannot control that my father hates me because I look like my mum! " I start to laugh, mockingly. I know what I am doing, I am pushing him away, I need to push him away, he needs to get away from this ticking time bomb, I care too much about him. "Do you really think that is the reason he hates you? We are not in a film Alaunus" I say with a mean smirk. "Well at least I have never had a foster parent who hated me so much that he enjoyed hurting me!" I shake my head in disbelief. "There is one thing I loathe about you...........you can never admit something might be your fault." "what is my fault aaron?" "You are not the boy your father wished for, you don't look the part, you love a boy, you do not want to be a lawyer, your father isn't interested in you anymore. You have disappointed him a long time ago, you are a soft person. A weak person Alaunus. He probably wishes someone like Jonathan is his son or he wishes that you had never been condemmned to living."

His face drops and I seee a tear in his eye. "I never understood why people said you are cruel Aaron. But I am beginning to see it. You don't care about me do you." he says, I walk into the field and he follows me. "Answer me!" he screams, tears of anger pouring down. "I don't care about you, I don't like you, I couldn't care less about you. Just leave me alone. You don't need me for your selfish gain. You are only my friend out of pity, sucking me dry with your twisted nature of caring, making me feel guilty I cannot return the favour. You are a cruel bastard yourself, you selfish little brat!" "I'm leaving" He says as he turns around. "Thank you." I whisper. "I will just forget you, ignore the fact that we have been closer than brothers! Forget the memories I cherished with you. I won't even care when you die! you know what I won't even come to the funeral!" I nod and look at the sun as it slowly descends and hides behind the cypresses.

That evening I write a note. Just for when he decides to come back. I take a deep breath.

To Alaunus

I promise I am not a cruel person. There is just something wrong with my brain, something wrong with my heart. I am afraid that I am just.....broken but perhaps that would be too simply put. I promise that I love you and I have loved you, although it might not show. I apologise for my actions, i wanted to hurt you and because we know eachother too well, we learn how to hurt one another and regretfully I knew it just a little too well. I love you more than I would love a brother, you are a brother to me, I love you as much as I can, which as a matter of fact never ever seems to be enough.

I am sorry, for what I have done and what I will do.

Aaron

The hot water turns dark red as the blood leaves my veins and I rest my head on the wall behind me and look at the ceiling. I close my eyes and feel the wet shirt clinging to my chest as if it wants to suffocate me I slowly seem to lose consiousness and float above my body, the crimson water is beautiful compared to my bone white skin and my charcoal hair. It reminds me of snowhite. I hear a faint voice as someone enters the room, to my surprise it's Alaunus. "I know you didn't mean it. I didn't mean it either, I am sorry." He says before he turns around and sees the blood and lightly overflowing bathtub. He runs up to the body and pulls the head out of the water. "I can fix things please....we can fix things" he begs while rocking back and forth. Can you ever truly fix the thing you haven't broken?

And that was the day I died, of course it was not physical. My body could heal, he found me. I don't know if I did not want to be found. But nevertheless I died. Because I faded away, slowly but surely and now I am this. I am hollow. I became my illness. I am my illness.

Nice to meet you. My name is Depression, but it used to be Aaron......