The archive of the forgotten

I'm sorry son

I look at my father and take a sip from the whiskey. It burns my throat giving me an excuse to have the same tears in my eyes. I smile, "Good evening father." I say with a bitter smile. He smiles, "How are you my son?" I glance at him. "That is not a real question, not out of your mouth. It is a gesture, a empty promise of caring father. I don't want to do this dance with you." He smiles, he is painfully good looking. I hate that arrogant son of a bitch.

Why you ask. That is an excellent question, he never beat me, he never seemed to hate me, he didn't beat my mother, he wasn't a dictator. Why do I hate him? Because he never cared either. I wish for dictator, a mean father that is a control freak. Everything is better than feeling as invisible as he made me feel. I was nothing but an afterthought, everything I did. I was nothing to you, I was never a Marceau to you, I was never worth it. I was not interesting enough, I was a waste of time.

"I speak with pride about my family, about you. I am proud of where I come from but you took away my ability to be part of this families legacy, you shut the door each time I asked you to open it. Why was I never enough? I didn't want a mentor dad, I didn't want a teacher I needed a father. You have never given me what I needed. I wish I would've seen you and have this warm fuzzy feeling of shelter when I see you but all I can feel is rejection." "I never meant for you to feel like that." he says. "But I did, you did make me feel like that"

"Is this really the reason you are so angry son?" I shrug and stand up. "When you don't see the one who angered you, you forget why you were so angry. I guess I am not angry, just disappointed. You taught me not to expect anything good from people, you made me a negative, cynical son of an asshole. Even if I am not mad about this, it is still true, you were more proud of your exstensive wine collection, you nursed your bottle of whiskey much more than you ever did with you children, you drowned me yourself in the sorrow of alcoholism, but you drowned me too father. You forgot me, when will you finally remember me? Am I that unimportant to you? Why didn't you.....Why didn't you"

He stands up and limps towards me. He hugs me, it takes away my breath. I am not used to it. I feel tears in my eyes. "I am sorry I never said goodbye" He says, tears in his eyes. I hug him tightly and cry. I hate this, why must I torture myself?

I take another pill. But you are not real, and you never apologised and we both know you never will either.

Significantly shorter than normally but I wanted to play a bit around so I didn't want to make it too long