The archive of the forgotten

Atlas is absent

Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth. When I look at my life and its secret colours, I feel like bursting into tears
~Albert Camus

I used to write to escape, to feel better, to feel whole. Put down the words and sing away your blues, collect the shards of your heart, but I have noticed that my writing has slowly become my bleeding. And now I ask, how have I been cut? When will I find the truth?

a few months ago

Orion's phone rang, he looked at it for a brief moment before picking up.
"I love you." I whispered
"Are you alright mate?" He asked I could hear his frown as he asked it.
I wiped a tear from my cheeck.
"I don't think so."
"Where are you? Are you at home? I'm coming Atlas, stay on the phone alright? Don't do anything."
I look at the knife in my handd and shook my head.
"I don't see an end to this....."
"I'll be there in two minutes atlas, can you manage that?"
I sniffled and agreed.

I am sitting on my bed, an empty suitcase next to me and my soul in my hands. My hands still stained by own blood by a feeble attempt of feeling better. I imitate a smile but it crumbles as soon as I think about it. I've had enough, my soul is full of dread and my heart is heavier than it's supposed to be. I thought by now I would have been happy, I know that I thought I would be happy, or I would be dead. I wouldn't be insane. I wouldn't be miserable. I wouldn't hate myself. I would have a life and I would love it. I love my life, but it doesn't feel like I can love it....

Orion enters the room and I put on my jacket. He shakes his head.
"We don't have to go yet Atlas, I'm here to check on you and.... help you pack your bag."
"You still believe in God right Orion?" I ask as I sit down on the bed and put my head on his shoulder.
He smiles "I'll pray for you. You know sometimes I think you still believe deep down."
I chuckle "Yeah, right..." I feel a tear fall down. "I've had enough Orion, I'm not okay. Ijust want to leave this earth without any feeling of guilt."
"Atlas, we lo.."
"Please don't say you love me." I interrupt him while putting some shirts in the suitcase.
he grabs my wrist and looks at the veins tracing them over the battlefield of scars.
"You know what hemoglobin is? A protein with four iron atoms included in its structure. This atom can only be produces by a dying star. You are a star to the universe Atlas."
I chuckle "A dying one you idiot" I say while effortlessly smiling.
"You're my anchor Orion, even if everyone else would leave.... I know you'd stay with me." I say as I hug him. And look at him as I take off the necklace I always wear. I put it in his hand. "Please wear it for me. I need you to."
"Of course, but now we do need to go."
"Orion?"
"Yes?"
"I swear, I want to be okay."
"And that is why you are admitting yourself to the mental health centre."
I nod and smile.

The car ride towards it seemed like it took hours. But at least it lead to a destination, unlike my life. 

a week ago

They always say that time only passes quickly when you are having fun. They're not wrong, it's been the longest two months in my life. Not seeing my friends felt like torture, but I needed to get myself under control before I can love them again. I look at the red marker on my wrists and smile. I wonder if it will work for a long time...... I have good hope. But hope is dangrous, and frightening my mother would say.

I pick up the suitcase and walk towards the hall. Orion and Andrew are already waiting for me. I run towards them and hug them. Orion is crying as he embraces me.
"How are you?" he whispers
"Better." I sigh with surprising happiness.
He gives me my necklace and I smile. "Thank you for keeping it safe."
"No problem, everything for you."
He puts his arm around my shoulders and we walk towards the exit. Never to return....hopefully.