The archive of the forgotten

flesh, ideas and worries

I stare at the ceilling, barely feeling like I am human. Am I human after all this? Is the ship of theseus the same ship? My eyes flutter as the world slowly moves out of focus. The eagerness of guilt still whirling through my stomach while not knowing what I am guilty of. The blood has drenched the dark blue cotton on top of the matress as the liquidation of shame streams down my wrist. Warm against the porcelain skin that I have never succeeded in ripping off of myself.

The stitches through my scars feel rough as I focus on my body for hopefully the last time in my life. I weakly recite the prayer I have said so many times before the Viddui.
"I acknowledge before You, Adonai, my God and God of my ancestors, that my recovery and my death are in Your hands. May it be Your will to heal me completely. And if I die, may my passing be an atonement for all the sins that I have committed....." I pause and as my chest heaves to get at least some air I am painfully aware of the sins I have commited.
The ones in my memory and outside of my current memory. Lying with a man is to some still considered one of the worst sins in the world. Killing someone is.... does it count if I am the one I kill? I chuckle and feel the tears as they warm my face and my lungs collapse onto themselves. Forgive me, world forgive me for who I am, for who I have been and who I will be. I never meant any of it. I meant to be a good human. I believed I could be but I have been made out of my fathers blood. Selfish blood, violent blood, cowardly blood, scared blood. I believe I could have been better. If my mother would have been able to stay, if I hadn't been abused by the man that was supposed to be godly. If I were not chewed up and spit out again and again and again. The world has made me weak, it has made me weary. It has scarred the soul that had an oportunity to be better than his father, better than his creator. But I remain an orphan, in need of the love no one will ever be able to give. Because I am nothing more than human flesh and worries.

I pray he won't come in as my green eyes slowly turn upwards into my own eyes. To seal my deathbed, to seal the fate I want. If nobody would tear open the letter.

I open my eyes with a start and my lungs inflate with cold air, shocking my body and it's new scars. My eyes slowly focus untill I can finally see again. I stare at my bloody hands as the panic starts to set in. Not again, not again, not again. I start to hyperventilate as I recognie the dusty and untidy lab.
"You're alive." Judah Exclaims as he hugs me, his white labcoat full of blood. "O Enoch, I thought I had lost you this time."
"I HATE YOU!" I exclaim. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE??" I say while sobbing in my hands, colouring my face red in anguish.
"Because I love you." He says quietly.
"If you did you would not torture me like this!" I say with a sigh, standing up from the slab. "I am not your frankenstein."
"You mean frankensteins monster." He answers with a chuckle.
"If I remember correctly the monster kills one person in the book doesn't he?" I say while glaring at him and leaving the room, before I collapse onto my knees, I just want to die, he doesn't understand. I love him still but I cannot love him anymore. I really want to live normally, but I want to die. I want to understand, I don't want to be me for one day, I want to.... I want to want something. I want to want something beautiful, something I would not have to feel guilty about.

I see myself in the mirror and look at the white skin that has died about 30 times already. My spirit has died more but my body... 30 times. in less than half a year. I touch it. I am lifeless... I am spiritless, I am worthless.
I hate myself.

 

Judah

I look at the door as my beloved leaves. Hating me even more than before, he will never see me normally again. To him I am this harbinger of suffering, a grim reaper with a shotgun instead of scythe. I would argue it is a good thing, but it is not what his poetic soul wishes, his tortured souls wishes. I am not good enough, I will never be good enough. I wonder if I would be good enough if I follow him to the underworld instead of asking him back like the coward that was orpheus did. But I am frightened of death, I will never admit it, but I do not want anything to do with death but reversing it. I can understand that, I can be the best at everything, but death is the great equilazer I do not want to be equal and if I can reverse it, I am not equal. I am able to deviate from the scary fate that God has bestowed on me. My fate has always sucked and because of that I think I want to control it, but god, that is so much pressure. I need to make everyone in my life happy. How do I make everyone in my life happy. I look at the scars on my wrists, You are unfair. You have two standards Judah. I shake my head.

I know I am selfish, but I am human too. I cannot help that my heart cannot say goodbye to the one of the only things that I valued in my life. I will never admit it but I know I am selfish, I know how many wounds I have ripped open, how many hearts I have stolen, how many memories I have forgotten. All for the sake of not hurting, and thereby hurting the one I wanted to protect. And still, I will never have the guts to admit it.

But I remain an neglected child, in need of care and happiness no one will ever be able to give. I am nothing more than human flesh and ideas. A blueprint of a human. I am nothing but a shadow from who I need to be and I am everything I am not supposed to be.

I hate myself so much.