The archive of the forgotten

Brother dearest

I stop my alarm clock. For just a moment I open my eyes and everything is alright. You are in the other room, life is bright and I need to get out of bed to make you some eggs. You would groan get out of bed and stumble down the stairs. You would tell me why french is far superior to eglish (Of course you would do it in french and I would respond in english, much to your dismay). You would go on and on about the why orpheus might have looked back to Eurydice and why none of those are foolish, just human. You would notice the time and rush to University, you would come home with your friends, or other people. Or alone, play your drumkit and annoy me for the rest of the day. Than at the end of the day after dinner a good glass of wine and your endless monologues as I quietly listened to why tea readings are absolute bullshit but seances would be possible (still figuring out if you were serious) But not anymore. Everything has changed.

 It takes immense strength to lift my head from my pillow. I can barely move an inch without the illusion of pain. I sit on the edge of my bed, staring out of the window. Now that you are not here anymore I feel useless, it is so extremely empty. You were one of the most important things in my life. I am floating between everything but the things where I want to be. Asking for the next wave to either drown me or save me. I do not know which one I would prefer.

I feel tears in my eyes as I walk down the stairs. The living room feels cold and lonely. I miss your ever annoying talk, you would yap on and on about a lot of things. I cannot stand the silence here without your combat boots gracelessly but ever so elegantly stumping around, I cannot stand the way your jewelery doesn't jingle anymore everytime you come down the stairs. I cannot stand that there's not a symphony of cursewords in the bathroom every morning because you got eyeliner in your eye again.

This house is too big without you, I cannot measure this screaming silence telling me again and again that you are not here. YOU ARE NOT HERE! and why do I blame myself? I know why I blame myself. I remember the hate in your eyes as you told me the thing I was afraid to hear. And I retaliated, I shouldn't have but how could I not, you were comparing me with the man that has disappointed me all these long years. And still I dared not to defy my fathers voice in my head, because I have pride, we have pride, this family it has pride. You once had pride, before our parents died you were just a little good Beaumont just like me. Don't blame me for still trying to be one. I am your older brother, I am supposed to remind you of the respect we have for the statuesque faces here on the wall. We are here to carry on their legacy, not create havoc like you wished to do.

My own words echoe through the room, "YOU SOUND LIKE FATHER!" he said angrily. "Are you serious, Hesperos? I am a Beaumont, who do you expect me to be? An Alien?" He looked me in the eye and only responded with one word....."Kind." while you were walking towards the door I cursed you and your loved ones, I told you that this is not you. You are also a beaumont, if I am like father you are more like him!

But it is not true, you've never been like me or father. The way you carried yourself, cigarette in your mouth, one side of your lips curled upwards in a arrogant smile laughing about the way I would obey them, the way you'd dance when they weren't watching, the way you would play with the things we learned in ballroom classes, the way you would do everything. You were too reckless, too young.

I remember one of the first times I knew you were going to get in trouble. We would go back home for boarding school and you hadn't cut your hair yet, I know that I smiled. A minute later I was cutting your hair in the bathtub, just so they wouldn't get mad. I also remember the time that you asked me to help you with your black lipstick. I hadn't done it before either but if you asked me something I would do it. Or that one time I refused to give up while you were strangling me because I was too proud for that and it resulted in fainting. I cannot live without the joy you brought me brother.

My thoughts are disturbed by the doorbell. I open it. There stand the Honey blonde haired partner of my brother. "May I come in?" He asks while giving me the boquet of roses. I nod. "Wow, what a house!" He exclaims as he enters the hall. "Follow me." I say as we enter the living room. "I wonder why he didn't want me to see it." the boy says. I smile. "Ashamed of it." I answer. "How?" He asks, genuinely curious as I put the flowers in a vase. "Of his family and heritage, that is why he calls himself Jesper beau." "And his real name is Hesperos Beaumont I am aware." The boy says. "I am Gael, nice to finally meet you, I have heard a lot about you." I shake his hand. "Astrophel beaumont, his brother." He nods. "It's strange meeting in these circumstances but I just figured you could use somebody to understand.

I smile. "I actually hoped he was somewhere with you. I hoped he was somewhere black-out drunk in some gutter. I hoped he had simply run off. And he would return eventually either drunk or high." "He doesn't mess with drugs." Gael says. I raise my eyebrows. "I am serious" He says again. "I haven't seen him since the phone call." Gael says. "May I know what he said?" Gael smiles. "He said that you would eventually turn around, he thought you would eventually support him as a painter." I smile and wipe some tears away. He knew I would support him.

The doorbell rings again, "I can take it if you'd like" Gael says. I have no energy to stand up so I nod. He opens the door. I hear a bit of talking, so I stand up and go to the door. There are two police officers. I feel tears in my eyes. "What is it?" I ask. "You might want to sit down sir." "I am the one to decide that." I say, annoyed with all the mystery. The officer steps towards me. "Sir, Hesperos Beaumont was found in a pond not far from here. I am afraid we suspect foul play."

I feel myself falling onto my knees. I do not hear anything, I cannot breathe as my tears escape my eyes.

You will never return again.

Just a writing excercise