The archive of the forgotten

when money can't save you

Trigger warning: Probably very disturbing for most peopel.  Suicide idiations, heavy drinking and self harm

"I WARNED YOU! WHY DID YOU STILL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME?" I say desperately as I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand. "You are drunk Felix, You do not mean this!" Archie says while reaching out his hand. "WHY DID YOU FALL I LOVE WITH ME? AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ME YOU ARE CLOSETED! YOU WANT TO BE DISCREET? GOOD LUCK WITH A FAMILY LIKE MINE!" He hugs me. I want to beat sense into him why does he need to love me? Hate me please I beg you to hate me! Save Yourself. There is still time. Go away for fuck's sake. But I beg him to stay with me. I push him away and walk away. "Felix!" Hugo screams, helping archie up. "DO NOT DARE TO FOLLOW ME!" I yell.

It is already deep in the night when I arrive at my parents estate. They are not home, they are currently on a trip in Italy. I am surprised that he is not there with his mistress or perhaps they are there for their 'Lifestyle'. What a fucking facade it is, just like everything in my life. The lower class needs to think we are so fucking civiliced while everyone screws around here. I never liked it, and now that I have somebody who loves me I am alienating him. But how do I know if he loves me when I have always been living a facade. I am a puppet and these strings will never ever be cut. I want to control my own life but I never get the chance to.

I feel myself laughing as I try my best to stop crying. Is makes me feel sick. I do not want to cry, my father would forbid me to cry. I feel too hot as I take a swig of the bottle of whiskey. It burns my insides and poisons my throat. The tears flee the warmth of my eyes. I unbotton my shirt and crumple up my sleeves. I put on my headphones and start listening to choke from 'I don't know how but they found me' I begin to dance and close my eyes, my stupid body makes stupid moves but it feels far more free than it is.

As I kick my shoes off my feet and begin to sing while dancing through the too cold fields. Flipping off the world.  My feet begin to burn and bleed because of the thorns and other plants on the field. I feel a twisted sense of euphoria while dancing through the posh perfect gardens of the family I would rather curse than be a part of. I trample my mothers precious Begonia's andd water her roses with a generous amount of whiskey. Screw my life, screw my family and screw myself! I burn myself on my third cigarette of the hour, and the hour has hardly begun. The burn feels heavenly, I gasp, the cold air is perfectly harmonizing with the burning alcohol and the smoke leaving my nose. I do a french inhale and smile. People would think this is fucking outrageous! But I love this night, too much fucking alcohol, too much cigarettes and pain. The fucking unholy trinity.

I grab my penknife and cut open my wrists. The pain feels like a high as my heart begins beating faster and faster. The warm blood warms my cold arms and stains my white shirt and tie. I look at is as it slowly turns my signet ring red. I begin dancing again, the blood spills everywhere, when you would believe old myths you would think many poppies will grow here. I cannot see anything clearly because of my tears and the overdose of alcohol. I am nearing the family graveyard  as I feel my stomachs contents come up again.

I look at the mix of blood and vomit on the ground and I am absolutely disgusted by myself. My blood is slowly drying. on my wrists and the high I had of the alcohol and delusion is slowly disapprearing now I just feel deflated and despodent. Why am I such a crybaby? I am so ashamed of myself. I think as I walk into the family graveyard. All the same fucking last names as I have, all the fucking same dynasty of lies that I know. I wonder how many of these were happy. But to be honest I am nothing more than a beast with a lottery ticker as a bloodline wearing a tuxedo.

"Are you guys proud of me?" I say while taking a swig of me. "This is the next lord. The future is awful isn't it?" I sit down on a random victorian grave and lean on the stone. "I hope you don't mind sir." I say. I grab my mobile phone and call him. I get his answering machine, of course he would not pick up. I take a deep breath "Hey darling, I know I am super drunk, I am crazy, my family is crazy. I am so sorry for saying the things I said, although I do not think i remember all of it. I really wished I could talk to you right now." I am heating my hand with the flame of my lighter. It hurts my hand but I love it. I chuckle. "Archie, right now I am sitting on some kind of victorian sods grave. I think it shall be my bed for the night as I do not know whether I have a key. I probably forgot in my utter frenzy. But what I want to say is......" I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I am so so sorry." I say while starting to cry. I do not want to be like this, I hate myself so much, why did I need to be born in this family? Would I have been happier in another one. I do not know. I curse myself, I will forever curse myself.

When an accident involving drugs happens at oxford university the popular Felix begins to feel guilty about it. It haunts him as he tries his best to forget it. But it is embedded in his memory and his family only reminds him of the faithful evening. He knows that when he says something it will destroy him but if he doesn;t say anything his mental health will keep declining. And to be fair, it was his fault but when do you sell out your best mates. Altough, all of it could be simply fixed with money couldn't it?