The archive of the forgotten

Atlas is wondrous

I put the shirt in the lukewarm water. I don't know how to solve this, I close my eyes and put on the damp white shirt and immediately take it off. I feel the tears of agony fall down, I hate this. On one side I have an allergic reaction but almost all the remedies I can think of hurt because of my allodynia. A skin condition that flares up because of my migraine. I sit down on the ground and ask myself what to do.

I look at my phone and call my mum as I lie down on the cold bathroom tiles while trembling because of the pain. "Yes Atlas?" My mum's voice says. "I'm sorry to call you so suddenly mum." I say faintly, I try not to cry. "Can you talk to me? I think I'll pass out if I don't hear anything else....." "Is no one home Atlas, I don't want you to be alone like that." she says softly. I don't respond, she already knows the answer. "Please mum?" I ask. I hear a light sigh and know she smiled. I smile too as the tear falls unto the hard tiling.

She is telling me about her work when suddenly Orion enters the bathroom. "I thought you had a lecture" "It was an optional one." He says as he kneels and looks at me. "Let's find a solution." He says, deliberately touching me the least amount as possible. "She texted you didn't she." He amiles and looks at me. "She is your mother, she cannot just let you sweat through the heat." I chuckle and shake my head.

We are sitting in his room and he is making wet wraps for the places of the allergy. "Do you worry about me?" I ask guiltily. He nods and smiles, "Yes, but you can't help your bodies mishaps can you." I sigh, "Why do you keep being kind Orion? I push you away constantly but when I am a coward again and I call you.....you come home. I am a burden to you, you have no obligation to stay you know." He smiles, "who will scream queen songs with me with the windows down? I wouldn't find a new place to call home. You can disappear for years Atlas but when the news proclaims that the end is near we will all come running back to this. Because this is where we first found that it wasn't and that hope can be renewed."

"So explain, how does it hurt." he asks calmly as he grabs an oversized t-shirt from a bag. I put it on and shrug. "Every little touch hurts, it's like someone is putting thousand needles in your skin as soon as the temparature changes, A simple touch feels like it is a hot clothing iron being held up to your skin. It surprising I cannot smell the burning flesh." I says with a faint chuckle. He shakes his head. "You can laugh about anything" "I can pretend to." I say with a faint smile. "don't you fear you'll get a saviour complex orion?" He sighs and looks at me with a crooked smile. "Maybe you are the psychology student here. Shouldn't you tell me?" I chuckle and shrug just like he always does. "I think you care too much. And you will care too much, don't you think the things you cannot fix will destroy you when you are trying to cure real patients?" He shrugs, "perhaps, but I think people are worth to be destroyed for" I chuckle. "You have so much faith in everything....." "And you should have just a little bit more. It makes life a bit brighter."

Perhaps I do see everything far too dark, perhaps I am not right about everything. Perhaps I could learn to love this rotten world, there is enough beauty to admire, but my problem is simply that I have seen too much darkness back when I was young. I smile and run my hands through my slightly curled hair, hurting myself. I look at the rain outside and cozy up at the fire when Andrew walks in. He groans and falls unto the couch.

"What is it darling?" "I feel so freaking tiny in this fucking crazy wrld." I chuckle and nod, I understand that. We are quite small, we are one of the 8.1 billion humans, but seriously how incredible is that? Being one of those humans? There are thousand people you could've been but no, you are you, and that is quite....fascinating. I can't help but smile. "It's simply brainfog, don't worry." He says with a faint smile. "Don't tell me to worry or not" I say while hurting myself by wrapping my arm around him. "I... I am afraid I don't know Atlas." "Don't lie, what is it? "I, I am afraid. Of everything and nothing, of life, of not living enough, about worrying and about not worrying. I do not know what to do. I am stuck in the middle." I look at him. : Sometimes the middle is a great place." He chuckles and shakes his head. "If we are tiny and insignificant, doesn't it make all this that we have produced for ourselves even more fascinating love?" He smiles and nods. But I see he doesn't believe me. I hear the thunder from the beautiful storm outside and grab his hand and run towards orion and also drag him outside into the pooring.

I turn up the music instillation and play home as I open some windows and walk outside again. I smile at orion who looks at his wet feet and me as the rain starts to poor even heavier. I grab their hands and start to dance. The water on my skin hurts as if all of them are individual needles but some people are worth hurting for. And who would those people be if not the ones you would return to every step on the way. I laugh as they start to dance too, beautifully withouta care in the world. I look up the grey skies and the green trees and ask myself how I could've ignored so much beauty for so long. I feel a joyful tear on my face, or is it rain?