The archive of the forgotten

raging against the light

"You don't deserve this pain" I whisper while wiping his curtain bangs out of his face. He is breathing heavily. I hold his hand, he looks at me with tears in his eyes. "Artie, Promise me you'll be there when I go." "Of course I will be here Charles, I won't leave your side. He puts my head on his chest. He closes his eyes. I listen to his slow heartbeat.

I am laying on his chest, listening to his heart what feels like hours. My charles, my lily. I cannot stand the thought of losing him. We know he will not make the next dawn. He will never see the sun again I think as I look how the sun slowly disappears on the horizon. I would love to spend the last hours of his life at the beach but he can barely walk. How could I even get him there? The beach where we first met is not more than ten minutes away from the hospital. It is so so far away but so

I want to fight the sunrise, deny the undeniable reality of the sunrise. I do not want to let go of my Charles, he is only twenty six. We promised eachother we would adopt. We were even in the process before I was called by the hospital where charles worked. But this time he was the patient. Internal bleeding, broken bones, punctured lung. They were quite sure he would die. And now they are sure. I sigh. "I am not mad at you charles, but deep in my heart it seems I am blaming you for leaving. It's like I want you to fight something that is inevitable and is probably hurting you. But dammnit charles, fight the sunrise with me, fight against the dying of light." I say with tears in my eyes. "Please, I wish the world could just give us one more day." I wish that there was some kind of God or whatever that could grant one wish per human. Because this is mine. DO not let the dawn come.

I cannot sleep, well I will not sleep. I keep looking at his monitor and have my hand permantely on his chest I want him to pull through. The whole world is so dark this night. I wonder how late it is. But I am too focused on Charles to look on my watch. Charles eyes flutter as he wakes up. "Hello dear." I say softly while kissing his forehead. I will miss his long white hair so much. I will miss his grey eyes that are far kinder than the thunderstorms their colour has been taken from. "What time is it?" He asks, confused. "Why do you want to know I ask while looking on my watch. "My body seems to think it's morning." He says. I look on my watch. It is nine in the morning, I look outside, it is still dark as ever while it is summer.

I walk into the hallway. "Nurse may I ask what time it is?" She nods. "Quarter past nine." I frown. "Have you seen the sun yet ma'am" "No sir, strange right but it must be a solar eclipse or something." she says with a kind smile when I realise something. I hug her. "Thank you miss, you are the best!" I run back to the room. "And?" He asks. "It's right." I say as I kiss him on his mouth. He smiles. "Artie, would you do me a favour?" "Of course charles. Anything." He whispers something in my ear. "Don't you think it is illegal?" "I do not care, it is my life." I frown and want to say something "Arthur, I do not want to go like this. I am begging you" I smile. "Alright than."

That evening I am fully ready. I take a deep breath. "Do I need to to it?" He shakes his head and rips out the IV with painkillers. "Wow, that hurts more than it would seem" He says with a chuckle as he sits down in the wheelchair. We try our best to be inconspicious as we leave the hospital and walk in the dark towards the beach. I cannot believe the sun didn't come up today. It is a miracle I am sure about that. "Look that where we first talked" He says while pointing at the library we first met. It was a lecture about poetry, charles was fairly new to poetry but he loved it. I on the other hand as a literature student already knew a lot about it. But that was the beauty of it. Charles understood so much about the way the world actually works, technically and I understood the world in it's philosophical and social way. We were a power couple, everybody envied us, even we did ourselves. Even out parents did. I kiss my weddingband before kissing Charles cheek.

We sit on the beach, eating sushi, just like our first date. It is just like our first date. But know we are fairly sure it is our last. I poor him a glass of wine when we are done eating while we reminice about all the beautiful times we had together. "remember when you called me and started telling me about that wildly inappropriate book while you were on speakerphone with my parents?" He says. I chuckle. "I was required to read that for my study." "Doesn't mean you were required to like it!" He says with a chuckle. "Oh dear, how I wished I had my glasses to see your beauty for one last time" He says. I grab something from my bag. "Remember the time you sat on your glasses and you complained that they would never be the same if it was a new pair?" He chuckles and nods. "I already arranged a new pair but went through some trouble to let the other be repaired. I never threw the new pair away" He grabs them and puts the on. "My arthur, how I love you and your mind. I can see the seas of knowledge in your eyes, you are able to hold my world in your hands, because you are my world. Your short black hair reminds me of all the times you weren't happy with the way it was cut, even though you looked beautiful every time. My little raven." He grabs my hand. "I love you" he says while putting his other hand on my cheek and catching a tear. "Now that you are dying you turn into a poet?" I say jokingly. He smirks. "I guess so"

"can you recite the funeral blues?" He asks I put my hand on his cheek and feel the rough stubble I always thought was so attractive. it is so atractive. "I won't be the fool to recite a poem while you are dying." "You recited that one when I first met you and when we first had out date." I sigh, I actually never particularly liked that one it was too simple for me. But charles loved it, so if my lily wants it I won't say no.

I begin reciting it. Charles is holding my hand really tightly. "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come." I feel a tear on my face. "Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves." I feel his hand slowly losing it's grip. I feel as if I hear the poem for the first time. I understand it for the first time. "He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong." I look at the sun as the first rays shine on my face. I cannot help that my voice breaks but I cannot stop reciting the poem. The waves of the ocean seem to make more and more noise. 'The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood; For nothing now can ever come to any good." I take a sip of my fine and look at charles. He is indeed dead, but on his lips there is still a smile. His hand still interlocked with me.

How curious it was for the first innocent tourists to find a mourning man with his dead lover on the beach. But to be honest, what could surprise them not that the sun was coming up again. at least they could tan.

But Even if I needed to mourn this goodbye was far better than I anticipated. Thank you charles, thank you for fighting for raging, raging against the dying of light, in your own way.

I am actually considering to write a whole book about this pair but I do not have a whole description yet.