Dazed Off

i miss you, aj

you know, the funny thing is

i found the difference between thinking about you

and thinking about you

you have been on my mind for so long
that it is a normal thing

i got so used to your voice
that it engraved forever in my mind,
i will always hear you because you became one of the voices

so when i say i think about you a lot
it means i hear you even when your silenced,
i think of nothing and you're still there
sitting in a supposed chair
smiling
i don't even know where i got that memory of you
but it is stuck on me
i do not intend to drive it away.

On the other hand, when i think about you—
(argh i know everyone is sooo tired of hearing this over and over again but)
my heart aches
my stomach punches the fucking butterflies
memories of your silly silhouette flashes
i regret, try to repent
i daze off
thinking of nothing

and repeat the phrases "it's better off this way"
"if we really were for together, then we would be together"
like a chant
like a coping mechanism
like a prescription
repeat it over and over again
until the pain goes away

A/N: btw the picture is not relevant
anyone else uses gaslighting as a coping mechanism? hmm?❤️❤️

much love,