My Posh idiot (BOOK 2)

I

(I+II merged together)

Ten years earlier ~

I never thought I would, but I actually fucking did it. Okay let me not lie, graduating was probably the easiest thing that I've ever done, during my three years at Oxford. I expected to get a 2.2, just because of how hectic it has been, but I graduated with a 1st- thank fucking god I never went through with dropping out.

I would've got that first anyways even if I dropped out, but to redo uni all of again...that is an absolute drag. Also the fear of disappointment of my parents made me not drop out. It was a constant thought of mine. I knew they would be understanding, but I knew in the back of their minds, they would be upset that I let an opportunity like Oxford go like that.

But hey it's over, so they don't have to worry about it...

I looked outside of my window at the starry night, sighing to myself as I should be content and celebrating the whole night at my success, but I just couldn't.

Alistair has been weighing on my mind since graduation. I did everything in my power to avoid him at all costs for nearly three years straight. I ignored his advances, blocked out his apologises because I had to train myself that he isn't and will never be right for me. It worked, but right now I feel so confused with how I'm supposed to feel at the moment. This was the most that I have ever seen him and it's fucking with my ability to enjoy my last couple of days at Oxfordshire.

I have been uneasy the whole day. I refused to let anyone know the real reason as to why I wasn't vibing. I ended up blaming it on being sick. My parents asked me if I was pregnant??? I haven't fucked a boy since Alistair! And I'm too smart to get pregnant.

But why has my mood shift due to Alistair's presence. My mood was fine yesterday and all of them days before that.

Maybe I needed to forgive him...maybe that is what keeping me up. I'm supposed to be standing on business, why am I allowing this man to keep me up all night.

I mean, I never really gave myself the chance to accept his apology. I wasn't ready to forgive him- it didn't feel right too at the time. But hey even if I wanted to, it's too late now. I had today to speak to him and I never did. I don't even think I will ever see him again. I won't guilt myself for it, but I'm sure it's going to eat me up for a while, now that I'm guessing this could be the reason why he's on my mind all of a sudden.

I continued to look outside at the stars, resting my head on my arm. Then I realised there was no point, so I shut the window, but not fully as it was hot, but just enough to feel some sort of breeze. I took myself to bed, forcing myself to go to sleep and to remove these everlasting thoughts of mine.

I kept on tossing and turning in my bed. It felt like forever, but it only read '02:30'...meaning that I only had my eyes closed for fifteen minutes.

I couldn't take it anymore, and genuinely believed that I needed a breather. So I took myself out of my bed, making a beeline for the door, to walk around campus for a fresh mind. I didn't even care that I was in my pyjamas. All I needed was my music and keys and I'll be fine.

I haven't had a walk like this in a very long time and it felt nice to do so. Back in first and second year, I used to just go out for walks, to clear my mind, but since third year has literally taken over my life (finally it's over), I started seeing myself taking walks less.