My Posh idiot (BOOK 2)

72💞

⚠️TRIGGER! MENTIONING R*PE, MENTAL HEALTH AND TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE

Sorry for any typos🥹

Iman Harriott ~

He was gone...

I kept him waiting outside my home for hours, I felt bad, but also I never told him to come here. I wondered if he had eaten, or used the toilet since he was still trying to get my attention. A tear ran down my face, knowing what I was doing to the both of us. There was no point in suffering like this.

So when I peeped through the curtains, finally giving myself the decision to allow myself to talk to him, he was gone. I watched his car drive off. I wanted to be angry at him, but I knew deep down that I allowed this to happen. I had him waiting for time outside. I heard the doors, and the windows being played about and ignored him because I just did not know if it would've been the right thing to do.

My actions yesterday gave it away that I still wanted him, no matter how much my brain tries to resist him, my body does the complete opposite.

Why did it take Alistair a whole month to beg for me? I don't care if I blocked him or whatnot if he really wanted me that bad, he would've kept on begging. I wondered if he tried to work it out with Alana since I gave "there's no turning back" vibe towards him. He came with her to the baptism, but they truly did not look happy to even be seen with each other. Alana looked fed up, whilst Alistair looked in love...but not with her.

That was the question I wanted to ask him, but now that he's gone, there's no fucking point. Even if they are getting that divorce, it was sprung on Alana it seems. He might've acted out on emotions or whatever.

***

It was Monday, meaning it was time to bring my ass to work. These past couple of weeks have been such a pain in the ass for me. I'm usually happy to be at work- I worked my ass off to get where I am today, but having to suppress my feelings as my mood has depended on Alistair, has made it not so enjoyable.

The way I dress, have my hair and makeup done to how I'm acting right now is all due to him. He loves every part of my body- he doesn't fail to let me know when we're intimate. So I dress up for him now because I know he'd be watching me on TV. I'd dress up for him because I knew he would not fail to compliment me. He'd look at me with true admiration.

He has never complained about my natural hair, even if I've switched it up, so I remain natural with my Afro out for him. That's how he met me, that's how I will remain.

Similar with my makeup, he's never complained. He's called me beautiful, so I want to feel beautiful for him.

He makes me feel like utter shit, but I don't want him to see that, so I act as confident and headstrong for him...but I know he can see that it's all an act and I'm crumbling for him.

I looked at myself in the mirror, as I was now by myself in the dressing room. I could feel my tears prickling my eyes, wanting to spill out. Gosh, I'm so fucking pathetic. I looked up at the ceiling, clearing my throat and sniffling a bit, to prevent my tears from falling because once I did, there was no way of stopping them.

This has literally been my life ever since I said I did not want anything for him. I'd let pathetic thoughts swirl in my mind, and stop myself from crying before it was time to go on air. I'd cry to myself once airing was over, taking all of my makeup, so no one would know I was crying over a married man- ex-married man...I don't fucking know at this point.

Finally getting myself together, I lifted myself from my chair, making my way towards the door and out of the dressing room, as it was soon time to go on set as we were about to air. While doing so, I was getting weird looks from the crew, and no one wanted to greet me as much. If they did, it was very quick and they weren't even giving me eye contact. Was I becoming irritable to people due to my sudden change of mood or something? Whatever. I shrugged it off and ignored them as I did not have time to deal with the very same people who allowed my stupid ex to come on the show, causing me to have unremovable feelings for him.