My Posh idiot (BOOK 2)

32💕

Iman Harriott ~

"Welcome back, Iman, it feels like it has been an eternity, but how was your holiday?" Dr Rashid started with

"It was good, the wedding was beautiful- I did meet a man..." I rambled

"You don't seem too happy about that..." Dr Rashid was able to sus out

I sighed.

"I want to be happy, I should be happy but I just can't" I expressed

I literally meet a man that has expressed how much he's all here for me and here I am sappy over my ex boyfriend.

After I left the bathroom, without saying a word to Alistair, I didn't speak to him for the rest of that trip. I used up that holiday to free my mind of any potential feelings pouring right back to him, by spending time with Adonis.

It didn't work of course and here I am again doing the same shit I did to Dimitri...wasting a good man's time while I crave for a lame man and the same one at that.

"Do you know what's stopping you from being happy?"

A married man that I can't have

"Long distance relationships, I can't do them..." I lied

I mean actually that too.

Adonis was leaving the day after me, so he was able to visit me at the airport before my plane boarded. We spoke about how we'd try to get to know each other more over the phone, before we meet each other again. I was kind of on board with it because I should really give Adonis a try. I shouldn't allow my doubts and feelings to stop me from exploring. However long distance is new to me and it doesn't help especially how I'm feeling about Alistair. Alistair is one call away whereas Adonis is a plane away. It would help better if I had more access to Adonis physically- so I'd think.

"How long has it been since the man you've met on holiday has been apart from you physically?"
Dr Rashid asked

"4 days"

"If I am mistaken here Iman, I don't think the issue of a long distance relationship is effecting your happiness. While it is a topic that we should discuss, there is something deeper that is troubling you"

"Maybe there is, but I'm not ready to talk about it as yet" I admitted

This feeling that I'm feeling right now may be a phase and shall soon pass. I don't want to say anything now as I'm trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel for Alistair at the moment.

"Alright then, moving on-" Dr Rashid shifted his seating position and turning a page in his notepad "- Your last session before you went on holiday ended differently to how they usually are...how have you been doing lately?" He asked in a rather melancholy tone

My mind travelled back to that very day when I felt like I wanted to end it all again. I began to feel like that little 18 year old girl again, when I felt like it was me against the world and the only way to win was to die.

Like how can I accept what happened to me but I can't retell it without crashing out into a whirlwind of emotions.

To be honest, I don't know how I should be feeling based on that situation. Like the minute we went to Italy, all of that trauma was non existent. I was able to go to sleep peacefully without having those nightmares. It never crossed my mind at all on holiday until Alex decided to make a jackass comment.

"I think I feel a bit better from our last session. I did manage to talk to someone- someone who's went through the same thing as me. I wanted to know how they were able to move on and cope with their lives without crashing out"

"And how did that make you feel?" Dr Rashid asked

" At first I was shocked because how could one forgive a person for hurting you, but then I found understanding. I don't think I can forgive quite as yet to move on- I find that impossible..."

"Yes- one of the key stages of trauma and pain inflicted by another person is about forgiveness. Not for them, but for yourselves. Forgiveness may lead to a variety of reasons including feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion-"

"I hear it, but in your words it sounds like we're giving excuses for their behaviour"

"Iman pick your brain a little. It is not about giving excuses, it's realising that you, the victim...survivor- whatever you would prefer to label yourself, that it was never your fault in the first place and everything to do with the abuser..."

I remember Alana telling me something like this before I went on holiday. She told me how forgiving Harry was the best thing she had done to become a better version of herself. It's so visible in her as well when we spoke on FaceTime. Alana was confident to tell her story to me...

...I can't even tell my story to myself.

"I remember after our last session, The person I spoke to was Amaya and she told me the same thing and how forgiveness helped her..." I remembered

"There you go, but also another reminder, not everyone has to forgive their abuser in order to heal. People go through numerous ways of healing from their trauma..."

"Do you think I'd be able to forgive Harry?" I asked Dr Rashid- I could tell he was taken aback from that question

I mean I forgave Alistair- I still can't believe I did that, but it did help me.

"I can't give you an answer on that Iman. It is up to you to find out and see what is best for you to heal. I can give you examples but I can't tell you what strategy will help you overcome it"