My Posh idiot (BOOK 2)

39💕

{THIS CHAPTER IS GOING IN AND OUT OF FLASHBACKS}

Iman Harriott ~

"Are you okay?" Alistair questioned me

The hot steam was circling in the air, as the water sprayed on the both of us. Alistair showered me, as I used that to get lost in my thoughts.

He's falling for me?...was all I kept saying in my head over and over again. I mean it should be a good thing right? But I don't feel so good about it. I want to say it back to him because I have been feeling this way for too long, but the thought of his wife still in the picture, bothers me.

"Yeah I'm fine" I lied to him

"You're not- talk to me, it drives me mad when you don't tell me what's wrong" he expressed, looking into my eyes with concern

I didn't say anything. I just rested my head on his wet chest, as I wrapped my arms around his torso. He hugged me back- resting his chin on my head, while he caressed my back in a caring manner.

"I know you can't rewrite the past, but I wish this was the moment we shared instead of breaking up...just your silence and your presence was all I needed..."

"...Like the presence of comfort and safety is what I am feeling right now. I feel those things now because I am with you. I wanted that from you when it was your time to show how much you really cared for me after what Harry had done. It has been a long time I've thought about the what ifs- how you'd protect me, how you'd comfort me. That night, all I thought about was you..."

"...You know when I was drunk out of my mind, I thought Harry was you. Even though we had a massive argument, I genuinely thought you came back for me and that's when I realised I wanted to go home-"

Replaying this moment over again, I'm realising that I am getting some of my memory back from what happened on that night.

"- I felt so comfortable in the arms of a monster, thinking it was you. I kissed a monster too thinking it was you. I instantly knew it wasn't and when I tried confronting Harry about it, I was determined to find you, only to come to the conclusion that it was too late..." a tear slid down my face

"...I'll never forget what he told me..."

"What do he tell you?" Alistair asked, in a very melancholy tone

Is he tearing up?

"He told me "Well he's not here, he left you all alone just like all of your other friends, drunk with no one to help you" "

And I believed that for so long. I started questioning everything and everyone because I couldn't trust them. Even though I did not remember those exact words at the time, my depression explains why I pushed everyone away from me like that.

"I believed it for some time, but I had really strong feelings for you Alistair and the thought that you actually left me felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. So please before you say you're falling for me, I want you to act on it, not say it because words are just not enough for me."

I don't want to end up believing he's falling for me and then when my feelings get too deep, I expect him to leave his wife just like that. I don't want to be shocked that he tells me he's better off working things out with Alana. Divorces are no joke and are hard to get out of. Divorce appeals goes on for months, years even- I'm not shocked that people would rather stay and work it out than leave.

Like I don't know why, but that small moment we had together before he left this morning, brought me back to that night. Like I have forgiven him, but I think this just shows that I can't trust him as yet- and I have every right not too.

Bruh he's a man at the end of the day, that alone gives me reasons not to trust him.

I don't care if he reassures me, messages me, turns me every which way...damn do I need him to stop by again?- like I said, I do not trust a word when it comes to where he stands with me romantically. I need the proof through his actions.

Also I realised we have sex way too much like, I don't even think it's normal. Like I'm not complaining and I definitely hope he's not complaining but after that very intimate, melancholy moment, why was my breasts pressed against the shower door and my arms behind me please. And the rounds were non stop. From my bathroom to my bedroom. If it wasn't for my phone alarm reminding me that I had errands to do today, he would've never got off me.

Talking about phones, my phone alarmed me with an incoming call from Adonis. I mean we message each other, but I'm not feeling that spark from the very first day I met him. I think it was just a lust thing. However I do think because Alistair is in the picture, I can't explore things with Adonis properly, and I don't think I want to. I need to dead it off with him, but I honestly need him around just in case Alistair does a complete 360. I wouldn't mind long distance because at least I'd have a distraction to get my mind off Alistair.

Anyways I let that phone ring and I never picked it up. It's midnight, and I'm sitting on my sofa with a glass of red wine. I could've picked it up because I was wide awake, but I'm just going to have to use the excuse of that I was asleep, when really I just did not want to pick up that call. He's going to call me again, so I need to make sure for that phone call I actually want to pick up and sound excited to talk to him.

And I also need to remember, even if my interest in Alistair is significantly higher, I cannot get rid of Adonis like that. The first time I met him, it was wonderful and I loved his company. I do believe if Alistair wasn't in the way, I would've given Adonis all of my attention. It also makes it difficult that Adonis lives in Greece and not the UK. So trying to harbour those same feelings I had in the beginning is even more harder.