Soukoku in hogwarts

I think I want to live again

......................... Warnings: Soukoku, self abuse

I will put a🏳️‍🌈 emoji when the soukoku starts and a ♠️emoji when the self abuse starts.

Dazai followed the older man to his office. Snape pulled up a chair and placed it next to his own and then gestured for Dazai to sit down. "Come on now I don't have a lot of time"

Dazai did so, preparing himself for what might come and keeping an innocent poker face.

"Madame Pomefrey told me that you were inflicting self harm on your body and that you weren't eating regularly during dining hours" Snape said, his voice brimming with authority 

Dazai stayed still and quiet, not confirming nor denying Snaped idea

"And so" Snape continued "I would like to have a discussion with you about what could be causing this issue, I'd hate having my student suffer from this kind of... act" he paused again, waiting for Dazais response 

"Professor" Dazai sad calmly "I do believe that you are familiar with the rules in Hogwarts a history?"

"I do know quite a few, may I ask why this is of importance as of right now?" 

"Well then I'm guessing that you are not aware of rule 56" he said, making eye contact with the professor "A student isn't obligated to speak of their personal problems if they do not wish to do so or if they don't have a signed paper from their guardian" 

Snape raised an eyebrow "Is that so?" To this Dazai nodded

"I respect your boundaries" Snape sighed "However, I will be sending either Blaise or Nakahara to be sure that you are at least eating something during dining hours. Am I making myself clear?"

"Crystal clear" Dazai said as he slid from his chair and exited snapes office. Content with himself for slipping out of 'trouble'

🏳️‍🌈

As he walked to his common room he let his mind wander, he couldn't stop thinking about the dream that he had the following night.He bit his tongue at clenched his fists as he entered his dorm room and took out a piece of parchment with shaking hands

He was to do something scandalous and he didn't know if he should feel more guilty about this or about the wet dream, he fidgeted with his belt. His pants felt so tight around his crotch and he wanted to take his pants off so badly but decided against it. He then looked at the blanc piece of parchement laying in front of him on his bed.

"Just this once" he thought to himself as he began to sketch. He continued until every little detail was perfect, the messy hair, the freckles, the legs all drawn on a single piece of paper to represent the one person (that wasn't 6 feet under) that he loved.

"I think I want to live again" he thought to himself as he started to draw another picture of Chuuya, this time this picture wasn't one that displayed something sexual, instead, it portrayed a picture of him and Chuuya in the hospital wing, Chuuya was sitting of his  bed as Dazai teased him, he drew another, this one was when Chuuya was sleeping on his shoulder in the library.

He drew for at least 4 hours, and completed 3 pages, the pictures weren't perfect and that annoyed him but he accepted it, just as he accepted his love for Chuuya. His bug infested heart felt a little less cramped.

"It's funny, the more I fall I love with you the more I forget that I'm not human and you are the most angelic human to exist, fuck, you mess me up so much" 

He paused for a moment, covering his face with a bandaged hand 

"Thank you"

"Thank you for letting me forget, but at the same time..."

"Are you okay?" Blaise said as he walked into the room. Dazai flipped the top paper over to hide his drawing "What was that?" Blaise inquired

"It is a cheat sheet with all of the history test answers for next Tuesday, I'll share the answers with you for 5000 gallions" Dazai said

"I knew I shouldn't have asked" Blaise said as he turned to the common room after he grabbed his potions book.

♠️

"You give me the happiness that I don't think I deserve" Dazai said to himself "And I'm becoming weak" The brunet took out a razor from his bedside cabinet and unraveled the bandages that wrapped around his wrist.He began to angle the razor in a way so that it would cut his skin. He watched his pale, almost see through skin open and he watched the crimson blood spill from his forearm, the sleeve of his once white undershirt became a crimson red. He smiled to himself forbidding himself to hiss in pain.

"I hate these feelings that I have for you yet I want to live with them forever. I want them to stay with me even after I finish my short, meaningless journey. I hope you nor anyone else will witness me in the vulnerable state" The brunette thought as he continued to watch the crimson reg liquid spill out onto his white sheets in a sort of trance, emotionless on the exterior yet overflowing with it on the interior.

This chapter was interesting, I hope the angst was good. When I was writing this I felt like I made it either too sad or not sad enough but you can be the judge of that. please🙏 comment ideas for soukoku I have none 🥲.

-Sophie