Pitch Perfect Harmony

Listen, Watch, Understand

The morning after the New Year party it was more like noon when Taylor just woke up. She had a slight headache but there were painkillers waiting for her on the nightstand. Travis had to be up already. She sighed and quickly took one of the pills. After a few minutes of silence, Taylor stood up. She needed some food even if the alcohol was still making her head hurt. So she made her way downstairs only to realize that Donna was here for breakfast. And she had totally forgotten about that. "Good morning", Taylor greeted putting on a smile that was not fully honest. She would just want to eat and hide again. Maybe with Travis but conversations haven't really been her plan. "Morning, baby. How are you?", Travis smiled at her already starting to prepare a coffee. "Good morning, Taylor", Domna smiled noticing Travis' shirt on her and the messy hair.

It had probably been half an hour but Taylor felt more and more tired at the table. She had eaten a little and the coffee was emptied but she struggled to concentrate on the conversation and zoned out every few minutes. It was frustrating because she liked Donna a lot and she didn't want to make her feel like she didn't want to have her around. So she forced herself to smile and socialize. Travis noticed that something was off but he blamed it on how long they had been up tonight and the alcohol. He was a little tired too. Another look at the clock told Taylor that it had still not been an hour. Donna's laugh snapped her back into reality but it felt like nails on a chalkboard. Not the laugh itself. Simply the volume and the situation. It was too much.

"I'll be right back", Taylor quickly apologized and hurried to the bathroom. She closed the door behind her back and took a few deep breaths. Closing her eyes due to the bright light, she tried to calm down. Out of nowhere, anxiety bubbled up in her chest and threatened to overtake her. Maybe she stayed in the bathroom a little too long because Travis ended up knocking on the door. "Tay? You good?", he asked carefully. She straightened her posture, flushed the unused toilet, and opened the door again. "Sorry, I'm good. Let's get back", she smiled and didn't leave him a chance to say anything.

When Donna left about an hour later, Taylor had to actively hold herself back from just sinking to the floor right then and there. "Tay, are you okay?", Travis asked making himself smaller to look at her more directly. "Just... give me a few minutes?", she asked. "Sure. Tell me when you need anything, okay?", he said concerned. She just nodded and made her way upstairs feeling another wave of anxiety arrive. She lay down concentrating on her breath again. But this time it didn't really do much. It wasn't panic though. It was just too much. Too much of everything. It was too bright in the room, the bed felt hard underneath her tense body, and the silent buzzing of some electric thing she couldn't put her finger on was too loud. Her clothes felt itchy, her hair tingly, everything felt wrong. She would never be able to describe this to anyone.

"Tay? You need anything?", Travis came upstairs when he had cleaned up the table. She winced at the piercing sound of his voice and couldn't bring herself to look at him. He looked at her confused. "Do you have a headache?", he asked closing the blinds already. It didn't do much and his voice made her whimper again. Why couldn't he just leave again? Or at least shut up? She would tell him but words were so far out of reach. He carefully sat down next to her and decided to gently touch her shoulder. But she scooted away, brushing his hand off as if it was hurting her. Because to her mind, it was. He finally got the memo but he also remembered something. When she had told him about these "mental breakdowns", he had bought something for her. It didn't arrive in time for Christmas but now he went to get it.

Very silently, he entered the room again. The weighted blanket in his hands. He had no clue if it would do anything for her but it was worth a try. Gently, he covered her tense body with the blanket and she didn't seem to protest, so he completely covered her up to her neck. He watched her for a moment but she didn't move, so he sat down on the small chair that he usually just used to put some clothes on. It was now almost completely dark and as silent as possible. She could still hear some noises feeling her mind clench every time but the blanket soothed the feeling somehow. Maybe it was the way it felt so equally heavy all over her that made it seem so light at the same time. The floating sensation she always had wished for in this situation slowly crept in. For the first time, all the painful sounds, lights, and touches didn't just force her to fall asleep exhaustedly. No, this time, it all slowly went away one by one, and she could open her eyes again.

"Trav?", she whispered into the darkness just sensing his presence behind her back. "I'm here", he said silently. "Stay", she said. "Okay", he just gave back even though he wasn't planning on leaving anyway. They just stayed like that for another while until she turned around just now realizing the heavy blanket but melting into it more while figuring out his silhouette. "Better?", he wanted to know carefully. She nodded even though he couldn't really see that. "Thank you", she whispered deciding to hold out a hand for him. He scooted closer with the chair taking her small hand in both of his. She felt warm from his touch. But it took her a moment to be comfortable again.

"That's what I meant when I...", she started but he just squeezed her hand. "I know", he interrupted her. "I don't know what it feels like but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel that way", Travis continued slowly. "I bought the blanket for Christmas actually but it didn't arrive in time. I just remembered it and thought it might help?", he said. "It did! I... I think I never... it never just went over... I normally just fall asleep", she explained. He held her hand tighter again before kissing her knuckles. "Can I do anything else? Now or next time?", he wanted to know. "Come here?", she asked seemingly unsure about it herself. "And noise-cancelling headphones for next time. Your lamp or something buzzes", she added. "I don't know where mine are right now though", Taylor mumbled while he stood up and carefully lay down on the other side of the bed.

Her hesitation made him go slow about this. He didn't want to be too much. But Taylor curled up next to him placing her head on his chest the blanket making it a little complicated but she didn't want to push it away just yet. After another while, Taylor took his arm to place it around herself making him chuckle a little. He started massaging her back. He could almost see her mind calm down. "You remember when you said you didn't know how to give that back to me when I wrote you a song?", she asked making him smile already because he had an idea where this was going. "You are. Right now for example", she just added. Travis' hand made its way up to her head and he started playing with her hair. A sigh left her lips. "I love you", he said silently. Now she smiled before glancing up at him. "I love you too", she finally answered.

I know that most people probably won't relate to this or even understand but I wanted to try to put into words what some of us experience 🤍