BL: AIMING FOR YOUR HEART

Chapter Thirty-nine

It was still summer time, Sebastian went back to the City for the important matter he needed to attend to. Amory allowed him to do whatever he needed to do kaya pinayagan niya itong bumalik sa Maynila ng maaga kaysa sa napag-usapan nila. The next morning sobrang aga nitong umalis na halos hindi pa sumisikat ang araw.

Sebastian had said his farewell the night before sa kaniyang mga magulang at sa kaniyang lolo at lola kaya hindi na nila ginising ang mga ito para magpaalam.

Before leaving Amory saw how Sebastian looked so guilty and bothered by something but he chose not to tell him. Kapag tinatanong niya kung ano ang problema ay umiiling lang ito.

Amory trusted him.Pero sana pala hindi niya nalang ginawa.

Around four days after Sebastian left, Bettina called him. Sa galit na naririnig niya sa boses ng dalaga alam niyang may ginawa na namang hindi maganda ang kaibigan nito.

During the whole call duration with Bettina, there was a big lump on Amory's throat that he couldn't swallow. Sobrang bigat ng dibdib niya at halos hindi siya makausap ng matino.

Naisip niya kung gaano ka one sided ang meron sila ni Sebastian. Everything was unrequited– the amount of energy he gives, the time he provide for them,  the amount of love, and the security he provide to the relationship. It wasn't at all the same for the both of them. Palaging siya ang nagbibigay.

Halos hindi siya makasagot sa sinasabi ni Bettina dahil hindi niya alam ang mararamdaman. Narinig niya nalang na susunduin siya ni Matt.

And when Matt arrived at the house, it was as if naging robot si Amory na sumusunod nalang sa galaw nito.

Nagpaalam siya sa kaniyang abuelo at mga magulang. They took a flight and viola they landed at an airport in the city.

But as he look at the city lights at ang usok mula sa mga sasakyan parang mas lalong bumibigat ang nararamdaman niya. It was as if the  pollution in the city was the cause of this painful feeling inside him.

It was as if being nearer to the man he loves was the reason why he was hurting so bad. Because being here means facing the reality now.

“Kakausapin mo ba si Sebastian?” Nag-aalalang tanong ni Matt. Umiling muna si Amory. Not now, hindi niya pa kayang harapin ito.

Wala na ang luha. Nangako siya na kapag nasaktan pa  siya nito ulit ay hindi na siya iiyak pa para dito.

When he arrived at the house akala niya mapapag-isa siya but Craig, Bettina, Rain, Ismael, Mico, Julia, and Josh was there waiting for him.

Halo-halo ang emosiyon sa mga mata ng mga ito. Craig looks the most calm among them, Bettina looks angry, Rain looks worried for him, Mico was in rage, Ismael was angry too while Julia is calming him down, Josh felt so sorry for Amory.

While Amory feels nothing...

Nagsilapitan ang mga ito sa kaniya, trying to comfort him the best way they can. But he wants to be alone for now. He has to think deeply about the situation. Because then again it was as if Sebastian left him with no choice–like usual.

Laging ito ang masusunod at lagi siya ang masasaktan at iiyak sa huli. They are both men but Sebastian was a whole different kind of jackass for breaking his heart several times already. Parang laging nakaset aside ang nararamdaman niya at nakaprioritize naman ang feelings nito.

Gustong magsleep-over ng mga kaibigan niya para macomfort  at mabantayan siya pero mariin niya iyong tinanggihan. He was grateful for their presence at this tough time but he needs to face the sadness alone.

Walang point na subukan niyang kalimutan ang sakit pero malulungkot rin naman siya tuwing mag-isa na siya. He needs to face this head on.

Nang mapag-isa, nabalot ng katahimikan ang buong pagkatao niya. Everything was silent and empty.

In the morning, articles about Sebastian were all over the internet. Alam niyang kayang pigilan iyon ng mga Astor but they chose not to. Maybe because they needed this type of publicity.

Amory looked at his phone na walang ibang laman kundi mga mensahe at missed calls mula sa kaniyang mga kaibigan at ni isa ay wala galing sa binata.

Amory smiled bitterly while looking at the empty wall infront of him. Pagod na isinandig niya ang katawan sa sofa at ipinatong ang ulo sa headrest nun. He covered his eyes with his arms. What he was feeling today was unbearable pain and longing–longing for the things that they could have together if only Sebastian stayed and chose him.

Sobrang tahimik...at sakit.

Amory was in the same place and position hanggang sa mag gabi na. Madilim narin ang pinupuwestuhan niya but he doesn't want to turn on the light. The darkness was his comfort and shelf for tonight.

After a long contemplation with  himself,Amory then decided to call Sebastian, he knew that they needed to talk at some point.

He dialed Sebastian's number his hands were trembling and cold just like how his heart felt so cold right now. Around four rings the other line answered.

For a moment the only thing to be heard was their heavy breathing until Amory decided to break the painful silence.

“Why?” His voice broke when he asked that question.Sobrang dami ng 'bakit' sa isip niya pero isang salita lang ang nakaya niyang bigkasin.

Bakit palagi siya ang dapat saktan nito?

Bakit sinabi nitong mahal siya nito?

Bakit parang hindi naman totoo?

Bakit sobrang hirap at sakit?

Sebastian on the other line took a trembling breath out of the torture he was also feeling at that moment. He wanted to say how much sorry he was and how much he loves him but he knew that those words cannot comfort Amory,–everything he says will all be useless at the end of the day dahil iba parin ang pinili niya.

But still. 'I'm so sorry baby. I loved you, I really did.'
There was a long pause after he said those words. Amory curled up on the sofa and clutched his chest because his heart was breaking and he couldn't even cry out loud. He felt so helpless and vulnerable and he thought he wouldn't break more than he already have pero nang marinig niya ang boses nito his sob started to sound.

He knows that Sebastian can hear his cries because he was wailing so bad.

“Don't you love me anymore?” Amory asked in trembling voice. Hindi sumagot ang binata sa kabilang linya so he nodded to himself. Naiintindihan niya na.

‘I'm sorry, there was just so much to protect that I didn't know what to do anymore.’ Sebastian said on the other line.

“So you decided that I should be the one you shouldn't protect anymore right? Ako ang sacrificial lamb kasi ako lang naman ang kaya mong mawala sa buhay mo. I completely understand.”

“Ry–” Magsasalita pa sana ito pero pinutol niya na ang tawag. He threw the phone on the floor and curled up on the sofa to cry like a child.

‘Sobrang sakit... please Lord even if you kill me tonight,just please remove the pain. Ayoko na.’ This was Amory's silent prayer.

How can he live when the man he loves was about to get  married to the  girl he  was being  doubtful before?

“Ang gago mo...ang gago mo talaga Sebastian Astor.” Amory whispered under his breath while crying until he fell asleep.

Sana panaginip nalang lahat ng ito...he can't live without him.

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