"We should stop this." Dagdag pa niya na para ba'ng 'di pa sapat yung una niyang sinabi.
I heard him loud and clear. This is exactly what I was scared of— kahit gaano katagal yung oras na ibigay ko sa kaniya, may desisyon na siya.
"Stop what?"
"Whatever this is."
"Whatever this is?" I laughed dryly. "Is that why you never put a label on us? To make it easier for you to throw whatever this is?"
Raizen stood up and glared, "You know that's not why—"
"But that's exactly what you're making me feel right now." I shot back, meeting his gaze with equal intensity.
This pains me so much that I don't think I could physically handle it. Naghahalo ang mga emosyon ko to the point na hindi ko alam paano sila ie-express. Nakakapanibago sa pakiramdam at ayoko na ulit 'to maramdaman.
Lumapit si Raizen pero mukhang 'di niya alam ang gagawin sa 'kin. Ako ba ang nagpapahirap sa kaniya? Sa sitwasyon namin? I did nothing wrong.
"Let's be rational. Hmm, Damian?" He tried his best to stay calm. "We can't be anything, you shouldn't settle for this."
And fuck me for wanting his emotions to get to him. I'd rather fight him fist to face then kiss and make up, than to exchange words that would obviously hurt us more.
"Can you settle for this? Being kept in the shadows for the rest of your life? To always be a secret?"
"If that's the only way to keep you, then yes!" Walang alinlangan kong sagot.
Mahigpit niyang hinawakan ang kwelyo ko bago ako madiin na isinandal sa pader, "You're so fucking stupid."
Itawag na niya kung anong gusto niyan itawag sa 'kin pero siya ang pipiliin ko laban sa lahat. And there's nothing wrong with that, right?
"Can't you see, Damian? I can't be who you want me to be."
I took his hand firmly to break his grip and glared at him, "When did I ever ask you to be anything?!"
It's so fucking offensive. Wala akong balak manumbat pero siya lagi ang hinahayaan ko na magdesisyon 'pag tungkol sa 'min.
Bakit parang ako yung sinusumbatan?
"I told you to find out what's real and what's not.." Bulong niya nang mapayuko. "And I always tell you that everything's real."
I didn't have the energy to say anything. Every time he spoke, it only made the pain worse. I wished he would just stop. Hindi pa ba siya tapos?
"But did it never occur to you that every time I say it's real was actually the part where I lie?"
No.
He can't say it's a lie. There's just no way.
My voice cracked, "So anong sinasabi mo? Lahat ng 'yon kasinungalingan lang?"
Naramdaman ko lahat 'yon at alam kong totoo 'yon kahit hindi ko siya tanungin. Tangina. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa kaniya pero mas kailangan ko pigilan yung luha ko.
Ayoko umiyak.
Wala akong dapat iyakan.
Misunderstanding lang 'to, hindi pa rito matatapos lahat. Kaya hindi ako iiyak.
"Ano, Raizen? Kasinungalingan lang ba 'yon? Na nagsisinungaling ka sa tuwing sinasabi mo na totoo yung mayroon tayo?"
"That I had to lie to assure you because I.. I can never be sure of you. Of us."
