2x02 (Story D - Suppressed feelings) - Part 1

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Chapter 1 – I can't

Moiraine remembers a moment when she had suppressed her feelings before.

Quote: "Alanna will see you to the Tower. I'll have her take your bond by force if I must." (Moiraine)

Moiraine didn't turn around. Ride. She didn't look at Alanna or her Warders. Ride. Her blood was rushing loudly in her ears. Ride. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest while she felt guilt and shame weighing heavily on her shoulders. Ride!

She had to stop Aldieb once she couldn't breathe anymore. The mare danced nervously when she felt the discomfort of her rider, unable to do anything.

The Cairhien woman started to tremble so she leaned forward, grabbing Aldieb's mane and hiding her face in it.

We've never been equals.

It was impossible to forget the look on Lan's face. The pain, the disbelief – light, he had looked so broken! After everything she had thrown at him in the last few months, she had truly cut deep with her words today. She had wanted to take it back the second the words had left her mouth. If only she could've explained to him why she had been able to say it!

Lan's conclusion to her words had been visible on his face. He honestly believed that she had played with him all those years. That stupid man thought he had been nothing more than an errand boy to her.

Moiraine wished she could turn around. She wanted to throw herself into Lan's arms. His embrace was not from that world, and her body – her soul! – longed to go back. Although their bond was broken, she felt a strong pull tugging at her – begging her to reunite with the one person who completed her, her soulmate.

But she couldn't turn around. Lan deserved more than a broken Aes Sedai who couldn't protect him. She wasn't worthy of his protection anymore.

The Malkieri had so much to offer. He was a brilliant swordsman and had a sharp mind. Nynaeve would be very pleased with him.

A wave of jealousy hit the woman of the Blue Ajah, stabbing her right in the heart. No matter how often she told herself that Lan deserved to be with the woman he loved, she couldn't get rid of her jealousy. Lan had been hers for such a long time, and she still loved him though it had been her decision to set him free.


Slowly, Moiraine walked through their camp. She felt the eyes of the Reds on her, watching her every move. Since Kerene had fallen, Liandrin took over their little group, letting the woman of the Blue Ajah know that she wasn't welcome.

Moiraine was glad that she at least had Alanna on her side. The Green Sister ensured that her friend wasn't bothered too much by the blonde snake, including her in the circle of the Greens.

But right now, she couldn't stand Alanna's joyful being. At the moment, she needed her Warder. Usually, the Cairhien woman didn't ask for comfort, but after the last few days, she longed for the Malkieri's touch. Lan had nearly died because of Logain and Stepin, and Moiraine couldn't shake the feeling. Their bond had almost disappeared.

Luckily, her Warder was in a good mood at the moment. Whatever he was doing, he obviously took a break from watching over Stepin. Moiraine knew it was hard for Lan to see his friend suffering, knowing there was nothing he could do to help him. Instead, the Warders had to ensure that Kerene's Warder didn't try to kill himself.

Well, maybe he was training with his sword. Going through his movements always calmed him. Although, the Cairhien woman wondered why he hadn't entered Ko'di. Usually, he used it during training.

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