Prelude to kisses

Chapter 63

she found herself with the book of Corinthians opened in front of her. Paul in his bold writings. his words felt like rocks on her back, she found herself in tears. her heart, which had become hardened on the subject of sex was quickly melting like ice liquefying. where before she was dead to the weight of sin now, she carried it heavily on her back. she felt Jesus in that moment, looking down at her saying, "Let me carry that for you".

it began to rain, and she remembered her old journals. when she picked up a file shed kept manuscripts and old journals Jackie sat down to read them. as she read through them, she realized that most were for Matthew. even after the situation they had had ended he remained that guy that lingered in her thoughts. a distant memory, but one she always fell back on. now with Jesus holding her hand, it felt as though he was urging her to look at her past self and give her up. she no longer had a place where she was going. this version of herself that used sex to escape her circumstances was no longer conducive to the work of the lord's kingdom.

poems turned to letters. letters written to matt. letters she never send him.words she never uttered to him. letters that went from 'Dear diary' to 'Dear Matt'. it went on and on until words to matthew became a stack of papers in her files. an old friend, a passionate lover, and in some crazy instances a healer to her distrust of men. he'd whisper, "Its okay. i won't force you, because that would be rape".

and even as she kept herself occupied throughout the years, writing, travelling, building multiple businesses and growing them; matt had always been at the back of her mind. and even when she'd been in a relationship, she'd never really gotten over matt. like a shadow, taking turns where she turns, lying in bed with her when she closed her eyes. constantly telling her that they were somehow one. that they aspired for the same things, dreamt the same inspirations and even if they were going in two different directions, they were still riding the same boat. and she had failed to shake him off.

the rain continued to pelt on the glass window, she could see the skylines from her window. i miss something I never had. I'm yearning for a touch, a moment. a love that hasn't been written yet, she thought. the lord is probably smiling to himself right now, knowing I'm yearning for him. longing to lay my head at his feet because I've been away from home for too long.

==

"Every time I was in a relationship and I went through a breakup, I'd always level up on some level. I think I got addicted to that. to the low of a heartbreak and the high of leveling up and making more money". Jackie told her therapist.

she found her online one random night. up until now she hadn't been certain she could come. shed almost walked out when a voice told her that if she didn't heal herself them someone else would have to. an image of Chlo came to the forefront of her mind, and she had to hold on to something so she didn't topple over.

Claire, her therapist listened intently before asking, "Do you think you might have become addicted to that? the highs and the lows of the emotions and used that as motivation?

"Yes, I don't think I believed in myself enough to do what I did without the break ups".

"Tell me about Matt".

"I don't know what to say really. my first boyfriend, when we were first together, he forced himself on me. my second as well. in a weird way I kept putting myself in situations where they could take advantage of me. it became normal, to have sex with someone when I wasn't ready. like that all I was good for. and then I met Matthew and all he did was look at my face and he knew I wasn't ready and stopped. that's why I dint want to let him go, I wanted to keep him in my life even if he only lived in my head". Jackie had her eyes to the ground, fighting back tears and when Claire pushed the box of tissue to her, the tears poured out of her eyes until she was openly crying.

Claire didn't interrupt her, just gave her the time she needed to gather herself before she continued...