I Don't Want to Fall in Love</3

Chappie 77.2: Finally

--->MAI<---

I don't know how long we sat there crying our eyes out, the tears just kept coming. I thought the crying and meeting again part was hard, but what came after was harder. The questions I wanted answered wouldn't come out and I wasn't even sure I want them answered. I just wanted to stay in this moment where we're all finally together.

We sat around the table with Dad between mom and me.

I just kept staring at her in the silence. Just trying to memorize her face, figuring out how much three years had changed her.

The eyes that looked at me with love, the eyes that followed my every move. They were now dark, sunk and tired.

The lips that used to spoke words of encouragement and wisdom, the lips that used to kiss me goodnight. It's now chapped and faded.

The arms that used to envelop me in a warm embrace are now bone-thin.

The hair that I used to envy and love burying my head into is now covered with a flowery scarf.

The skin that used to glow like the sun is now pale, deathly pale.

The whole body that used to be fit and strong, is now skinny and fragile.

The woman that was once my mother, had physically changed in just a span of three years.

I swallowed, I don't want to cry, I don't want to show weakness in front of her, I don't want to cry coz I know that if I did, she's gonna feel worse.

I tried to muster all my courage to speak, pumunta ako dito to get answers, and sa dami ng mga tanong ko, wala paring lumalabas sa bibig ko. Natatakot din akong magsalita coz I feel like as soon as I start talking, mas lalo ding akong mahihirapan na i-control ang luha ko.

"You've grown so much. I can't believe how much three years changed you." She said to end the silence, tumango lang ako. Not really knowing what to say.
"Sorry sa nakita mo kanina, anak. I didn't mean to scare you. Masyado kasi akong na-excite sa pagkikita natin, kaya medyo... sorry, anak. Hindi ganito yung gusto kong mangyari sa pag-kikita natin. I wanted... something... better." Tumango lang ako, my eyes on the floor. Dad reached out to touch my hand. I took a deep breath.
"Mom, I wanna know what happened. I want you to tell me why you left. Please?" Tumango siya she took a deep breath and finally told me everything.

It was a few days before she left nang madiagnose with Leukemia, it was already near the end stages and pinaliwanag sa kanya ng doctor ang mga risks at kung anong mangyayari sa kanya if she goes through with the treatment. She was alone that day kaya naman walang alam si Dad. Umuwi siya with fear in her heart.

"I was scared of everything, natatakot ako sa treatment, sa possibility that I won't survive. Sa future ko, sa future nating pamilya. Bata ka pa Mai and I didn't want to leave you, ayoko rin na makita mo kong nagde-deteriorate. I wanted you to remember me as a strong woman and not a pale vegetable. Nakita ko kung pano binabago ng hospital treatments ang isang tao and I don't wanna go through it. Pasensya ka na anak. Masyado akong naging duwag." I held her hands.
"Ma, you should have told us. That's not a good enough reason to shoulder all the burden. Pamilya mo kami. We had the right to know." Umiiyak kong sabi.
"I know, anak. Alam ko and I'm sorry. I'm sorry dahil naging maka-sarili ako. Dahil naging duwag ako. I'm sorry, anak. I'm sorry."
"Then what happened?Where did you go? What about Charlie?"
"I went to New Zealand, sabi kasi nila maganda daw ang hangin dun, that it will make me feel better. Make my last days easier. So I went there, I was settling in just fine. When I... I found out I was pregnant. Alam kong iniisip mo na si Leo ang ama ni Charlie, but he's not. Leo was a friend I met at New Zealand, he's a nurse, I hired him to take care of me. Anak, Charlie is your brother and your dad is he's father. I never met anyone else and I had no reason to."

She proceeded to tell us what happened after knowing about her cancer. Pinaliwanag nya samin that the pregnancy was unexpected, if she was undergoing treatment it would have been dangerous or worse, fatal for Charlie. It took her a few days to rationalize everything, she was dying and keeping the baby would mean it might live without a mother just like how I would because she left. If she terminated she would die in peace without thinking about her would be baby's future but terminating would mean another burden in my mom's conscience.

Then a silver lining presented itself. Umbilical Cord Blood Transplant. It was a procedure where the newborn baby would donate it's bone marrow to a cancer patient.

"There were a lot of pros and cons, but the things is if I went through with it, Charlie would live and he would have a mother. I would have a chance at living a fuller life. So I went through with it. Bumalik ako sa Pilipinas, I told my parents and they took me in. They took care of me." Ngiti niya samin.
"You made the right choice." Bulong ni Dad sa kanya. Nag-ngitian silang dalawa.
"Why didn't you come back for us then?"
"Because... you moved on. Abi was in your father's life, I thought... I thought you were fine." I shook my head.
"But we weren't Mom. We were dying inside. Hinanap kita Ma, bakit hindi ka nag-pakita? Bakit hinayaan mo kong umasa sa mga regalo at sulat lang? Ma, I needed you." Tumulo ulit ang luha ko.
"I know, Mai. Alam ko and I'm sorry, anak. I didn't know. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paanong gagawin ko? How can I come back with another child in your life? I was too scared that you'll reject me. Na baka hindi niyo ko pakinggan. That if I came back, you'll just despise me. You'll hate me more than you already do. Patawarin mo ko sa lahat ng pag-hihirap na dinanas nyong mag-ama. Anak, hindi ko gustong umalis, ang iwan kayo. I'm sorry I was not a better mother."
"You're not a bad Mother or Wife, Emily. You're not. Remember that."
"Then what about now? You did the procedure, right? What happened? Are you still sick?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Remembering her when she was vomiting and the way she looks right now.
"I felt better for a while, a few weeks before may 1 si Charlie I relapsed."
"Mom..." I held her hand tightly.
"It's okay, anak. Because this time, instead of just sitting on my ass and letting nature take me. I decided to fight. Lumalaban na ako ngayon."
"Ang we'll be right here for her. Lalaban tayo kasama siya. Right Mai?"
"Always Mom. I'll always be here for you. We'll be right with you."