The Tour

32

I sat alone in my tour bus wanting nothing more than to ask to drive to the airport. The pit I'd had in my stomach from Luke had disappeared as soon as I left the venue but I still couldn't help but feel as though something was looming over me. Something felt wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I picked up my phone and began scrolling through Instagram and twitter ignoring posts about myself and my new song wanting to ignore it all as much as possible. My feed soon became filled with photos of videos and pictures of Luke.

5sosupdates: Luke crying tonight during Why Won't You Love Me
*video attached*

I instinctively clicked on the video attached and felt my heart drop visibly seeing a few light tears roll down his cheeks as he sang a song he's usually bouncing about to. Instead of his usual bounce he stood still with the only emotion showing being his tears. A small rush of guilt met me as I realised I may have upset him more than I'd planned to. I just wanted him to understand how I felt. I wanted people off of my back but there was a part of me that felt so bad for doing so.

Calum's words of Luke's upset ran through my brain. The pre warning I'd ignored. I should have listened. I can't hurt people because I'm hurt. But he has done it to me so many times so why did I feel so bad. This stupid home he had on me was so painful. I quickly turned my phone off making the bus go quiet. The only sound present was the sound of my breath as I tried to process my thoughts.

He was part of my life for two years. I am allowed to feel these things. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to hate him. I'm allowed to love someone else. What isn't okay is to feel this much guilt. Not only for me but for the others that loved me and were helping me. It would all be such a slap in the face if I told them I was considering his feelings over my own.

I quickly flicked my phone back on to see the time and was greeted with a photo of Oli and I in the nightclub after the London show. Me sat on his lap with his hands firmly holding me so my drunk self didn't fall off and embarrass myself anymore than I had already that night. A smile written over both of our faces as I looked up at him and he was looking back. I began to smile again before feeling a tear roll down my own cheek. I missed him so strongly and it had only been a few days since I said goodbye.

A loud bang suddenly rang through the bus making me jump slightly and wipe my face as I stood up to walk towards the door. I opened the door slowly to reveal a tall curly haired blonde stood awkwardly infront of me. The look of concern was written all over his face as he stood there staring at me.

"Are you okay Nicky?" He asked as I nodded and walked my way back into the bus showing him he could come in from the cold

"I'm fine Luke what do you want" I asked as he shook his head

"You can't lie to save your life" he said as I rolled my eyes

"I know you've told me plenty of times before but please I'm fine what do you want?" I asked again as he sighed

"There's a tour lunch meeting thing tomorrow at the Italian restaurant down the road. I was told to come tell you" he said awkwardly rubbing the back of his head as I nodded.

"Any specific time?" I asked as he looked stumped

"Ummm... 1 ... yeah 1" he said weirdly making me pull a face at him

"Are you sure?" I laughed slightly at his odd behaviour feeling awkward myself

"Yes 1 Nicky I'll see you there" he said starting to leave

"Bye Luke"

"Oh and wear something nice...management will be there" he shouted before slamming my tour bus door shut leaving me alone once again.