The Tour

44

Screams sat alongside the singing of the boys as they made it to the halfway point in their set. I sat quietly and watched as they all threw every bit of energy they had into their songs as they performed and proceeded to make every member of the audience laugh and smile in their small talking sections. Although I can fault Luke on many things. His stage presence was certainly not one of them. He could get a crowd to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. So could all of the boys it was what they were born to do.

My parents had spent the last 45 minutes bopping their head singing along to the small amounts of songs they knew whilst throwing points and waves in Luke's direction every time he looked our way. The energy they gave him was similar to that they gave me. I tried to ignore it but it was hard to brush off the pain of your parents admiring someone who had hurt me so badly for so many years.

As the song more ended they began their usual transition into better man. Annoyingly one of my favourites off their album Youngblood. I had been there the day they wrote that song. They'd all come to mine and Luke's house to perfect the album and better man was the one they couldn't perfect. Although I didn't help in anyway it was insane to watch the way they worked collaboratively. I'd occasionally co written songs but predominantly it was all done by me. The idea of sharing the lyrics you loved for someone to hate them was beyond alien to me.

I slid myself off the storage box and walked my way closer to the side of the stage knowing I should probably stand closer to my parents as I knew I'd be craving their company as soon as they left tomorrow morning. The strong baseline at the start of better man suddenly vibrated through my body allowing my concentration to return to the stage as I caught eye contact with Luke who was smirking in my direction as he brought his microphone up to his lips as he pointed to me and began to sing

"Fuck me at quarter to three, cigarette in my hand" he said singing directly my way as my mouth opened in shock at his extremely obvious lyric change at the start of the song.

I'd started a game in that dressing room and this was his way of playing. Subtle ways to tell me what he wanted and he wasn't scared to show he wanted it. As the song continued all I allowed my ears to focus on was the crowd singing back the lyrics to him as he pointed the microphone out to the crowd

"With your love, your love" the crowd sang as I felt that same pit return in my stomach as he glanced over at me

"I'm a better, better man" the crowd sang as it seemed to get louder in my ears

"With your love, your love I'm a better, better man" they sang as he walked towards our side of the stage age he told the crowd to keep singing never leaving eye contact with me. Before stopping right behind Michael and staring at me as he sang

"All of my wrongs, they led me right to you. Wrapped in your arms I swear I'd die for you" he said as I felt the pit grow stronger making me want to be sick

"I can't do this" I muttered to myself running away from the side of the stage to the building exit as fast as I could feeling like I was going to explode at any moment

"Nicky slow down" I heard my dad shout behind me as I continued running leaving the area a through a fire door. As soon as the fresh air hit I couldn't hold back anymore allowing my body to bring up the waffles my mum had cooked me for breakfast this morning. The anxiety he'd caused has brought me to sickness and he would have no sympathy for it.

"Oh Nicky" I heard my dad say as he held my hair back as I continued to cough onto the floor wanting this feeling in my stomach to go away forever

"I can't do this dad" I cried as he rubbed my back and an overwhelming feeling occurred

"He's done nothing but hurt me and he keeps playing games" I said standing up allowing myself to cry fully "and mums stood there like he's a saint, she's not even come to check on me" I said feeling my chest get tighter with every word becoming harder to speak

"I know I know" he said pulling me into a hug holding me tightly "a few more weeks" he muttered as I nodded

That seems to be the only thing people can say. It's the only thing I can even say to myself. A few more weeks. Weeks of pain. Weeks of him following me around like a lost puppy. A few more weeks alone. No family no friends and no boyfriend here to support me. Alone.

"Let's get you back to your tour bus" he said as I nodded not having the energy to talk right now. Not to him, not to anyone.