You can't find me

Chapter 49

Adrian's POV

The castle's walls feel like they're closing in around me, suffocating me with every step.

I can't even step into the same room as her anymore.

My mother.

The woman who taught me everything I know about power, about the kingdom's cruel necessities, who's locked away in the deepest prison beneath the castle because of it. Because of her power. The same power that runs through my veins, through the veins of my siblings. It's not something you can escape. Not for long.

I've been avoiding her for weeks now. Not because I don't want to see her. It's because if I do, she'll know. She always knows.

She'll look at me, and in one glance, she'll see everything I'm hiding. She'll feel the weight of the lies, the guilt, the betrayal I carry with me now. She'll read me like she always has. Her eyes are sharp. Too sharp. Like they can peer into the very core of my soul. And she won't stand for it. She'll know, and she'll stop me.

I can't face that. I can't let her see what I've become.

Because what I'm doing, what I've been doing for weeks now, it's the kind of betrayal she'd never forgive. I'm working with rebels. I'm planning to steal from my own family. I'm taking secrets from the royal vaults and trading them with the other kingdom for a cure I'm not even sure will work. For Zaniyah.

I thought I could carry the weight of this. I thought I could convince myself it was for the greater good. But every day, it feels like I'm losing more of myself. And I can't let my mother see that. I can't look her in the eye and know I've sold out everything she believed in.

So I stay away. I avoid the dungeons, avoid her cell. I tell myself it's for her own good, if I see her, I'll crack. If I crack, everything will fall apart. I'll lose her forever.

And then there's my siblings.

Caelan is still young. Still full of life, of energy. He's always had this light about him, an optimism I can't even remember ever having. He looks at me like I'm the brother he's always counted on. The brother who protects him. The one who makes everything right. But what would he say if he knew what I've been doing? What would he say if he knew I was trading our family's future for a cure I'm not even sure is worth it?

I can't be the brother he thinks I am. Not anymore.

Every time I see him, I feel this gnawing sense of guilt. I want to tell him, to open up, but I know that the moment I do, everything will change. He'll hate me. He'll never look at me the same way again. He won't understand. He'll just see me as a traitor, a coward who sold out everything we were supposed to stand for.

I'm keeping him in the dark, but that's the hardest part. I can't protect him from the truth forever.

And then there's Mira.

She's the youngest, the most innocent of us all. She's barely old enough to understand the full weight of what's happening, but I see the changes in her. I see the way she looks at me, the way she's starting to question why I'm not around as much, why I seem distracted all the time. She's picking up on things. I see it in the way she watches me, in the way she asks me about things I can't talk about.

She's beginning to sense something's off. She doesn't know exactly what, but she knows something is wrong with me. And I can't let her see it. I can't let her in on what I've done.

I can't let her know I'm betraying our family. Not when I promised her I'd always protect her. Not when I promised all of them I'd always have their backs.

But they don't know. They don't see the lies, the tension that's building between us, and I can't let them. I can't let her see how far I've fallen.

And then there's Ari.

God, Ari.

She's always been different. She's always been the one who didn't need to say much to make her point, the one who stood up to me, to all of us. She's so much like Mom, it scares me. And that's exactly why I've been avoiding her the most.

She's smart. Too smart for her own good. She's already starting to see through my façade. I see it in her eyes, in the way she watches me, in the way she asks questions that I can't answer. She's sharp, and she's getting closer to the truth with every passing day. If she finds out what I'm really doing—if she sees the lies in my eyes, if she feels the weight of the betrayal I'm carrying—I don't know what I'll do.

I can't let her see that.

She doesn't deserve to.

But I can't stop myself from wanting to see her. The way she used to look at me, like I was her older brother who could do no wrong. The way her eyes would light up when I walked into a room. I can't have that anymore. Not when I'm keeping these secrets from her. Not when I'm walking down a path I can't undo.

I've been avoiding her for weeks. Every time I see her, I feel like I'm betraying her. I can't let her get too close. Not when the moment she does, she'll realize I'm doing something stupid. Something that will ruin everything I've worked for, everything we've ever had as a family.

I wish I could say it's getting easier, but it's not. Every day, it feels like I'm unraveling a little more. Like the walls are closing in, and I'm suffocating beneath the weight of my own choices.

The rebels are getting restless. The letters from the other kingdom are becoming more insistent. They want what they're owed. They want the artifacts. They want the power. And the more I give them, the more it pulls me into their web. It's a dangerous game I'm playing, and every step I take, I'm getting deeper and deeper into a mess I don't know how to get out of.

I can't back out now. I've already gone too far.

But I can't help but wonder—if I could go back, if I could take it all back, would I? Would I choose Zaniyah's cure, choose her, over everything else? Over my family? Over my siblings? Over Ari?

I don't know anymore.

I just know I can't stop.