Clouded Hearts

47: Forgive

Astraea

"Are you okay?" Achelois asked.

"Hey..." I didn't say anything, I just looked at her. She bit her lower lip and pulled me for a hug. I buried my face on her neck and there I shed my tears. I cried, silently. While she's caressing my back.

Nakakapagod pala. Hindi ko alam na ganto pala kahirap. Wala naman kaming ibang hinangad kundi ang kapayapaan at katahimikan na mayroon kami e. Bakit pati iyon pinagkakait sa amin?

I cried, but no sound. I don't want her to blame herself. She can't control anything, she doesn't have control to everything. If her family wants us to be miserable then I'd be glad to take it. Basta kasama ko siya, basta andito siya. Yayakapin at aaluin ako kapag hindi ko na kaya.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Paulit-ulit niyang sabi. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong humagulgol, masyado palang masakit. Yung mga salita, yung tingin, masyadong nakakapangbaba. Feeling ko sobrang liit ko, parang langgam lang ako kung tapakan nila.

Hindi siguro sila pamilyar sa salitang awa. Wala kasi sila non. Hindi nga ipinagkait ang yaman, nawalan naman ng moral.

Humigpit ang yakap nito na wari'y ayaw na akong bitawan.

"I'm sorry..." Nagpatuloy siya sa pagsasabi ng pasensya. Wala naman siyang kasalanan. Hindi ako makapagsabi ng salita dahil para akong napipi sa mga salitang pinakain nila sa akin. Parang bumara ang mga salitang iyon sa lalamunan ko.

Gusto ko man sabihing wala siyang kasalanan ay trinatraydor ako ng bibig at dila ko. Wala akong magawa kundi ang umiyak at kumuha ng lakas sa kanya.

"Are you tired?" She asked.

Gusto kong sabihin na oo pero iniisip ko siya. Kung napapagod ako, paano pa kaya siya? Sarili niyang pamilya ang kinakalaban niya, sarili niyang laman at dugo ang kinakanti niya.

"They humiliated you. They stained your innocence. They shattered your dreams. They did you dirty. I'm sorry if I was not on time. I am truly sorry." I didn't mean to make a sound, but I did. I was trying my best to not sob because it will hurt her.

I didn't know how much I cried but I fell asleep. I fell asleep in her arms.

I woke up when I felt her lips touched my forehead. I don't know if I'm just dreaming but it felt so real.

"I have to do this. Sana maintindihan mo, sabi sa'yo eh. Ayokong pabigat ako." She lifted my hand and kissed it, she also fixed my position. I wanted to open my eyes or asked what she was talking about but my body refused to move.

I am awake yet paralyzed. I can't do anything. Was she leaving? Was she leaving me? No, no—it can't be! She love me! She love for pete's sake!

"Hindi ako aalis, babantayan kita. Mananatili akong nakasubaybay sa'yo. I love you so much." I did everything to open my eyes but I just couldn't. It's a torture. No, she can't leave. Not now, not now that we've come this far. Not now, Win. We were near the finish line, why were you going back?

You can't leave me...

"I'm sorry for being a burden, you can be happy now without carrying the pain. Please be happy." How can I be happy if you're leaving me? Since when was it fun to be left behind? I can carry every pain that you have, we can share, we can carry the same pain, the same problems and the same burden.

A burden? You? I'd never look at you as if you are.

Who said you are? You are not! And even if you are—you are the burden that I'm glad to take. You are the burden that makes me happy and alive. The burden that doesn't feel like one.