𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟓 || 𝐁𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧

CHAPTER 56: 𓆩⟡𓆪

I'm not a strong woman.

I'm tired of pretending to be.

I'm tired of lashing out. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of school, of everything.

I just want a break.

I just want to be normal for one day. I want to be happy, truly happy, like how I was as a little girl running around and getting dirty, for one day.

She was so fucking happy.

She had her friends and that's all that mattered.

Now, she turned out to have neither. She's fucking miserable and has no one to talk to, to laugh with.

All these thoughts run through my head as I stare down at my sink, my jaw clenched hard and my toothbrush in my hand. The foam from my toothpaste has seeped out of my mouth.

Fuck.

Bile rises in my throat and I spit out the paste, gagging at unwanted memories. I scrub my tongue as if it'll get all my evil words out of my body. All I taste instead is copper.

Today, I go back to school.

With weights in my pockets and a shit-ton of Tylenol in my backpack. Just in case.

~~

The bright sun when I walk out at 6:50 in the morning is fucking overwhelming. The sun isn't out, not necessarily - Rather the sky is as light as I think walking into the gates of Heaven would be.

When I arrive at Tommen I feel, like, a billion stares. Maybe it's cause I'm wearing trousers. Or maybe it's cause I'm just beautiful and they all missed me. I'll assume it's the latter.

I walk up the stairs with my eyes squinted, trying to see past the billion bodies at the doors. The music in my earbuds plays as I drown out the lingering sounds and voices of people chatting with their friends nearby.

I've been playing "All the Things she Said" by t.A.T.u. on repeat since I left my house. I listen to the chorus for the millionth time as I head to my locker.

~~

The bell rings and students scramble out of my class eagerly. It's lunch time.

I take my time putting one strap of my backpack onto my shoulder and standing. I have a different song playing from my earbuds this time.

Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill.

I listen to it as I walk down the narrow hallway. I listen to it as people pass around a rugby ball to each other in the crowded space. I listen to it as girls push past me to gossip with their friends or to slap their lips to their boyfriend's cheek.

I listen to it as I finally enter the cafeteria.

~~

Stares. Stares, and stares. Endless amounts of it. Jesus, how long have I been gone for? I must look really good today.

I'm holding a tray of food as I look for somewhere to sit. I know I'm not sitting anywhere in this place, but it feels nice to entertain the idea that I am.

I walk past the infamous Tommen table and meet Katie's eyes for a second. I can see how her expression lights up in surprise, and my heart drops to my stomach.

Shit.

Fuck, I need to get out of here. Fast.

I quicken my strides in hopes of making it towards the exit in time, but unfortunately, the redhead beats me.

She puts her hand on my shoulder in the middle of the cafeteria and stops me.

I swallow and stop moving, turning and looking at her. People are still getting their trays of food or settling in their seats so there aren't a lot of eyes specifically on us. Not yet.

She awkwardly pulls her hand away from my shoulder, looking up at me and blinking rapidly.

"Hey." She cracks a small smile.

Katie, this is impulsive.

"You're back."

I almost can't hear her over my music.

I nod slightly.

She turns her head, her hair flowing with the action, to look at her table for a second. There's anxiety and desperation in her eyes when she looks at me again.

"Sit with us."

I hear a groan coming from that same table. Gibsie, I'm guessing.

I take one earbud out with my free hand, "Hm?"

Katie's cheeks flush slightly in embarrassment that I didn't hear her the first time.

"Sit with us, Lizzie. Y'know. With all of us."

I grin ever so slightly. Is she really this crazy and impulsive? Why now, all of a sudden?

"I'm okay." I bring my hand back up to put my earbud back in but she grabs my wrist and stops me.

"I'm not asking."

I raise a brow.

Something begins to boil in my chest.

I let my hand back down and she lets go of my wrist.

"Why? So I can, what, talk and laugh with everyone like nothing's wrong? Like I wasn't gone for days on end?" I speak - My tone more bitter than I wanted it to be.

Her eyes widen. "No, that's not-" She shakes her head. "I just want you there. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything, I just-"

"You just want me there." I deadpan. The thing boiling in my chest bursts into a fire.

"When did you get so fucking needy, Katie? Surely it's not the cells in your brain eating itself - Or maybe it is, granted that you don't eat at all."

My voice rises and rises. Loud chattering lowers to murmurs and whispers. Katie's cheeks turn hot, an almost sickening red.

"I mean, look at yourself. You think that skirt can hide the bones protruding from your skin?" I huff.

"Lizzie."

"-All of your wishes to be skinnier is just making you ugly and dumb in the end. Maybe that's what you are all along, huh?"

"Liz."

"-Some used whore, who confesses her feelings like she could stomach the weight of them, when she can't even stomach a fucking burger."

"Lizzie!" She shouts now.

The cafeteria is silent. You could hear a pin drop, or a shoe squeak. But no one dares to move.

The anger inside of me dissipates and I see past the haze of it. I see Katie, her eyes watery, her nails digging into her palms.

"You know, you don't have to be such a bitch all the time." She trembles.

"I know you fucked my boyfriend behind my back. I know you're a bigger slut than I am - I could ask the boys on the rugby team."

My breathing quickens.

"And I know you're a goddamn sap, and that your life is oh so miserable, but sometimes, you can keep your sorry mouth SHUT!" She shouts.

"If you don't want friends, then just say that! Don't take it out on the world! God, Lizzie, just go FUCK YOURSELF, WHY DON'T YOU?"

My mouth gapes but I don't say anything.

Instead, I stare into her eyes as I put my earbud back in and walk out of the cafeteria with everyone staring at me.

Maybe one day, I can speak and not hurt others around me.

And maybe one day, I don't have to take 5 pills of Tylenol in the school's bathroom to calm the pounding in my head.