𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟓 || 𝐁𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧

CHAPTER 61: 𓆩♡𓆪

Diary entry #21
May 8rd, 2007.

Lizzie's family decided to cremate her but there was still a memorial for her. Everyone that attended - almost everyone - were fake. Most of them only came because she attended Tommen and they wanted to make fun of her now that she's in heaven and can't hear them.

I wore the tights she ripped to the memorial under my dress and I took a couple bites of pizza before I left.

At the service I asked Ms. Young if I could have a small portion of her ashes. She looked at me with understanding. Maybe she always knew that Lizzie and I weren't normal. Maybe she accepted it.

She gave me a small vial of the ashes and I took it very gratefully. When I rode home with Hugh, he had his own small portion hanging off of his neck. His eyes were still red from weeks of crying. I don't think he's ever going to look like how he did before.

Since Lizzie died I have been taking time for myself. I talk to the friend group every now and then, but we really have nothing in common at all. And Hugh and I are still together but know it's only to cope with the loss of Lizzie.

Before I left my house one morning I rewatched Brokeback Mountain. The whole thing. But, granted, I started it at 3 in the morning.

I caught an early bus, got a drink and a sandwich at a convenience store, and then managed my way to The Fuschia Loop. There was no one there. Perhaps I trespassed.

I sat on the soft, lush, dark green grass while watching the waves lap at their own pace. I could feel myself sinking into the damp Earth.

And I talked to her. I told her about how beautiful the waves were, how nice the breeze felt. I told her how we should've gone out more and gone on hikes and go to movies. I let her feel my tears and the coldness of the sky. I think she liked it. I even shared my sandwich with her as she rested on my lap. Then, I left the second half of my sandwich on the ground for when she wakes up.

I took a look at the waves again before laying down on my side, clutching her closely to my chest. A deep sense of hope filled my chest.

Now is a new chapter. Despite destroying 5, I'm still here. I'm still me. And she still lives in my soul. She will forever.

I will see her in the next universe, somewhere between the stars, and I'll know that in there, we can truly be ourselves and live without worries or these demons that haunted us.

For it will always be Lizzie and Katie.

Love, Kathyrn

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