MCYT RANDOMNESS 2

Fallen Angel - pt 4

Apparently it's been over a month and a half since the party. Five weeks since I returned to the server. About a fortnight since I told Scar what happened. I was deemed physically recovered enough 3 days ago. Mentally, I haven't improved at all. Tango and Impulse are staying with me at the pyramid, making sure I eat, and at least try to sleep. Trying to ease me back into normality. There is no normality.

I watched Cub kill himself.

Over five excruciating hours, I tell Xisuma everything. The story is around 20 minutes long, but we have to keep stopping, when one or both of us breaks down crying, or vomits, or screams, or often all three at the same time. As I speak, come to terms with just how much shit he went through just for me, a new truth fills my mind with an absolute certainty that I have to live where Cub couldn't, where Cub tried to save me.

But I can't.

I try as hard as I can to be better, to sleep, to eat, to take care of myself. But I can't. Food just doesn't stay down. I keep waking up, screaming, from nightmares. The feeling in my chest of utter brokenness doesn't leave. Even the smallest thing is enough to trigger memories of being there, watching Cub. Hearing-

Crunch.

Scream.

I can't think about that.

I can't think about that, I can't.

I have to keep going.

But I can't.

Xisuma ends up, calling all the hermits to a meeting. Most of them know Cub is dead. All of them know he’s off-server. As far as I’m aware, only me, Scar, and Xisuma know he killed himself. Only me and Xisuma know he was tortured into commiting suicide.

Impulse and Tango stay either side of me, like bodyguards. I question whether I might get possessed. They tell me there’s a safe room just downstairs. Apparently that’s something I have to worry about now. My gaze just fixes on everyone’s misery. Joe and Cleo are in full mourning black, an arm around each other as some kind of support. I’ve never seen either of them so upset. I’ve never seen any of the hermits this upset. Even xB and Keralis, always beaming, have both already cried since arriving. I don't think I’ve seen Etho stop crying, one arm around both Bdubs and Joel. Bdubs, who looks like he hasn't stopped crying since the party. And Joel, who is utterly silent, glowering.

Xisuma speaks.

‘Thank you everyone for coming. I'm sure every single one of us is struggling with the recent news, so I am very grateful you managed to come here today,’ as he speaks, Xisuma’s gaze keeps returning to Scar. Hunched in the corner, utterly broken, utterly empty of joy, barely even here, staring at the ground, oblivious of Grian trying anything to get him feeling better. ‘I don't want to cause any unnecessary upset today, so I will only give a brief summary of what Skizz very bravely told me. I can tell the full story to anyone who wants to know, but I will warn you, it is incredibly disturbing.

Another pause. Xisuma stares at me. Impulse rubs my back. I don't cry.

‘Cubfan135 killed himself to disobey the Vex’s wishes.’

No one speaks. There’s just the choking sobs of Scar, Pearl, xB, Keralis, Etho… so many hermits.

‘After he disappeared from the party, he hid in Pearl’s base. According to Scar, he was just hiding to take a breather and calm the vex. Skizz found him being attacked by them, and tried to be of help while Scar sought the location. Cub ended up possessed, and hurt Skizz, before they both went to the Vex Cathedral. Skizz was trapped. Cub was hurt for refusing to turn Skizz into a vexling. This got- excuse me-’