"Thank you Madison Square Garden! Y'all were awesome tonight. But then you always are. Thank you and see you next time!"
As soon as I got off stage, my smile dimmed too. The last few weeks had taken a toll on mean seemed apparent to everyone. There seemed to be radio silence from Gerard's side but I still kept that freakin note in my drawer. The day after that confusing night had been extra tough but as usual inspiration hit at my almost rock bottom.
I seized that opportunity as a welcome distraction. But it seemed that would also affect my upcoming album release. The songs that had flown through my mind and onto paper were a total 180 from what I'd planned. I had decided to use this album as a diary of sorts but with the entering of these songs, it would become a concept album through and through. When I'd made up my mind and put these into the record, I called up the record company and my manager ad soon everything fell into place. Well almost everything.
I soon realized quite belatedly that this record looked like a version of my subconscious & my day dreams. The concept was a story of a couple who breaks up, so the beginning songs are all angst ridden with the girl trying to get over it. Then there seems to be a twist with the boy trying to get her back. That's where the theme changes. It was too late to do anything about the fact that it seemed all too familiar with my life of these past six months.
I guess Jamie didn't connect the dots since I hadn't really opened up about Gerard nor had he met him. Now it was all shows and promotion till the release date. Along with that, there seemed to be the looming date of MCR's big show. I'd been trying to push those thoughts away all this while but I'm gonna have to face them soon anyway.
The last show before album release was in a few days. Thankfully it was a short one. I got onto my tour bus and started scribbling down the set list. I believed in getting stuff ready quickly so I had more relaxing time later.
SETLIST
1] Last Kiss
2] All You Had To Do Was Stay
3] When You're Gone
4] Red
5] How You Get The Girl
6] This Love
Hmm. This seemed enough for a one hour show.
I picked up my phone to see 2 texts, one from Claude my trainer demanding that I exercise. Ha, right. And the second from Andy saying that he won't be able to make it to the guys' show. Damn, I was looking forward to seeing him. I was slightly disappointed to see nothing from Jamie but not surprised. The dread in my stomach seemed to be growing each day as he got more and more reserved. We'd meet up after our respective jobs were done, go out to dinner or stay in but Jamie had been giving me these sad looks or sometimes staring for long, the sadness in his eyes prevalent. He had lost that spark in his eyes that I loved so much. I couldn't help but fear something was going to happen soon. I kept thinking maybe he'd found out about Gerard that night? But he showed no sign.
The days passed and soon I was free from the hectic tour dates for a while. The fans seemed really hyped about this album for some reason, as if they could sense its significance to me. And in a blink of an eye it was time for that dreaded but huge night. I hate paradox.
I dressed up quick enough, not having good enough reason to go all out. The sinking feeling in me did not help my nerves nor did Jamie's serious face as I got into his car. My forced cheerfulness did nothing to hinder his mood either. Defeated, I sat slumped till we reached the club. As I started to get down, Jamie cleared his throat...just to say those dreadful words.
"Jen, we need to talk."
I stared at him. He continued, staring straight ahead.
"First, I'd like to apologize for the cold behavior the past few days. I was just....preparing myself for tonight. I'll get right to it.
I'd gone to see Gerard that day when you called me after your meeting if you remember. You'd called Mikey as well but he was there as well. Gerard...well he wasn't doing so well. For some reason Mikey thought it would be good if Gerard spoke to me. And it seemed he was right too. Let's just say we had a long enough talk for me to see why you love him so much." He gave me a sad, soft smile but when I didn't speak, he continued," It's been clear since the day they told us about this show that you were dreading us meeting. But....Jen, it was so clear the day we started going out that I wasn't going to last long. So clear that there was someone else, somebody who held every piece of your heart and what little was left, you gave me. Jen, you know it's gotta be him right? It always has. It's that very reason that you haven't really opened up to me...not really. Gerard came to you that night to, let's say, plead his case. Granted, I don't know why he couldn't do it sober."
At that I jolted out of my shock and stared at him incredulously.
"You KNEW about that?"
He shrugged." Yeah, it was kinda planned. But that's the point Jennifer. You, deep inside at least knew that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. That's why you didn't mention it to me."
My eyes welled up as I sensed it was over. I felt a deep sense of loss but he was right.
"Jamie...I do love you. I really did."
He smiled softly, tucking stray hair behind my ear.
"Darling, don't cry. I know you did. But can you honestly say you'd be happier with me than Gerard? That's just not possible. For what it's worth, I love you...so much. I think I always will. Maybe I won't be IN love with you. Is it too corny to hope we remain friends?"
I shook my head vehemently. "No. No way. You're not getting an exit pass from my life. To prove it, you're coming with me to the show."
At that his eyes grew wide and it was his turn to shake his head, "Jen I don't think that's such a good idea..."
But I paid no heed. I pulled his hand, forcing him to follow.
"Don't care. We'll deal with everything later." In hindsight, I probably should have listened to him.
Inside, pulsating music shook the walls. The dance floor was at the corner with the stage in front of it. We pushed our way through half-drunk probably not legal yet party goers to the bar where there was a straight view of the stage. The Interlude was just ending & MCR were just getting back on to start the second half. Mikey & Ray grinned and we exchanged thumbs ups. I looked up at Jamie to see his eyes filled with anxiety, dread even.
I really didn't get what he was so nervous about. As weirdly and abruptly our relationship had ended I was nothing but glad. It was a clean break and just what I needed to get things back to normal with Gerard. Perhaps even more. My heart fluttered and I couldn't stop the broad grin from my face at the thought of seeing Gee.
But at that time, I couldn't have known that fate doesn't like me happy. It keeps adding obstacles for me to jump over. Two things happened next. My eyes locked with those familiar pairs of hazel. He started to grin but then, his eyes slid over to see Jamie next to me. I should have known that would be his first thought. I started shaking my head as his face fell and for a second my heart stopped when I saw a flash of intense pain and maybe even hatred flash over his face.
"Oh shit." Jamie muttered softly looking over at me.
Guess he was right, coming together was NOT a good idea.
Suddenly just as Frank opened the chords to "Skylines and Turnstiles", Gerard faced him and whatever he said to Frank and the others made them scrunch their brows in confusion. And then Ray's face cleared in understanding and he winced slightly, looking over to me in apology, shaking his head.
Jamie looked over in confusion while I frowned. What the hell was that?
Ray started the haunting opening to a song i hadn't heard before. The crowd screamed.
Keeping his eyes on me, Gerard started to sing in a low husky & pained voice,
"The world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me.
Are you thinking of me? Like I'm thinking of you...
I would say I'm sorry, but I really need to go..."
The rock in my stomach grew heaver with each line.
The crowd oblivious to the blatant message,seemed to love it.
He continued with his eyes closed.
"I just wanted you to know,
That the world is ugly! But you're beautiful to me...
Are you thinking of me? Are you thinking of him?
You could say you're sorry, but I think you both should go....."
What? This wasn't happening.
"....There's an ache in my eye & there's a burning in my eyes..."
The words kept hitting me like shots and fading, like this was just a nightmare. I'd laugh at the ironic perfection of the lyrics and the situation as if it was written especially for this moment, I'd laugh yes, but only if my heart didn't feel like it was cracking at the moment.
He took a pause and I, wiping my eyes, broke out of my reverie to see him lock eyes with me once again with intensity, as if the next lines were especially for me.
"Oh are you happy now? Now that you've got what you came for, are you happy now..."
What was he thinking?
"Jen...JEN!" I snapped out of it as Jamie shook my shoulders.
"Jen, this was NOT what was supposed to happen. I knew this was a bad idea. I'd told him that you'd show here if I decided to let you go. If you chose him. But us showing up here together..."
He was telling me this NOW?
"GO, you gotta go. They're getting off stage Jen. Hurry!"
I hadn't even noticed them ending the set. I pushed my way across the sea of gyrating bodies to find the whole band packing up...everyone except the one I wanted.
Frank spotted me first.
"He left just now. You can still catch him...." He paused, looking at me hopefully, "....If that's what you wanna do?"
"Frank, yes! It's just a stupid misunderstanding. I chose HIM." I took all my strength to not break down right there. Frank nodded solemnly but visibly relieved. He pointed to the back door.
"Go get 'em, girl."
I raced outside and spotted a lone figure making his way through the snow.
Just as I called out to him,
"Gerard!!"...There was a screech...
"JENNN!!..."
......and then nothing.
*********************************
A/N:
Dun Dun Dun! #IloveDrama
Haha. Sorry but come on what's a story without a lil spice n drama? This was the most fun I've ever had writing a chapter.
Whadya think?
Btw, for those of u who didnt know what that song was, its an unreleased version of The World Is Ugly. Ive always wondered why they wrote this but I really love it. Wish they'd released this one as well... But really, you should listen to it. It was weird how well it suited this storyline, wasnt it? ><
This year, at least till March is hella crucial for me Exams all the time. So updating will be a promise but after March, FREEDOM! So yeah. From here, the beginning of the end starts. Well, I'll try. I still have to begin Preternatural again and I have a new story in development! Yay.
And guys, I really hope even one of you has something to say about this story or even critique it. I'd REALLY appreciate it.
:)
