The sounds if someone stumbling up the stairs woke me up."Cay?"I called out softly.
"Ahhhh Jennyy,dontcha worry sweetie.Just go to bed."
"Cayden,you stink,where have you been?"
"None of your goddamn business!"he snapped.
I flinched at his harsh voice
He sighed"Just go to bed."
Next day after school.
"Cayden?Are you home?"
I looked around and found a note on the table.With a cold heart i read through it.In shock,i let it fall.It read,"I'm sorry Jen. I've had enough.You can manage on your own.Don't try to find me.I'll be fine.Goodbye."
With those short clipped sentences,i realized........I was alone.
"No!!!",gasping I woke up.Not again.I thought they had stopped.Looks like they'll never stop.In an attempt to calm myself,I took a few breaths.Coffee wont work,it'll just make me jittery.Okay...I need to clear my head.I sat on the bed,with that note in my hand.Yeah i still had it.
So,I headed out into the night trying to push down all those memories like always.I had just walked a few metres when "Hey!Jen?"
I turned around to see Gerard walking upto me.I smiled a little."Couldnt sleep?"he asked.I nodded."What are you doin up?"I asked.
"Couldn't sleep."he shrugged."Walk with me?"
"Okay." i replied.
We walked together in comfortable silence when Gerard asked concerned,"Hey....you ok?You look a little shaken up..."
"Yeah..no im fine now.Just..past catches up almost everyday in the form of nightmares but it had stopped recently,until tonight."I sighed."Wanna talk about it?Im always there if you wanna.."he said.
"No im ok really.You know...Now I understand what Mikey meant by real Gerard..I really like you.Just wish you were not so rare..."I smiled wistfully.
"You've talked to Mike huh?"he murmured.
I barely noticed that we'd almost reached his bus,I was busy studying him.He looked worn out.And it was like there was this..some sort of sadness that he couldnt escape.But still..he was beautiful.I wanted to laugh.A musician with the whole broody,dark soul thing going on.It was almost hilarious..Almost.Suddenly my resolve to brighten his days strenghthened.We sat down on the steps of his bus close together warding of the cold.
"Actually,I'd like that offer to talk now."
He looked at me expectantly."Shoot".
What i wanted to talk about was not my nightmares but his problems.I'd talked to too many Cary suggested shrinks.But somehow,talking to him felt like...it would be liberating.Maybe it was the sincere way he was looking at me right now.
So i started,staring at the ground.
"My mom died in a tragic accident when I was barely a few months old.She was actually on her way out of Georgia..away from us.When I was 16,my dad...he..couldnt take it.My brother and I..."My voice broke and I had to take deep breaths to steady my voice."Gerard took my hand on his,squeezing it.That gave me the strenght to continue."My brother was old enough to witness both these..I dont really remember Mom.He took care of me.Even when dad was there but he wsnt really there you know?After dad ..left...Cayden got into drugs and alcohol.Slowly his intake increased and soon enough,I used to find him in a drug induced stupor lying in his own vomit almost every day.He stumbled home early in the morning.Took off again.But he was my big brother and..I clung on to the older,more...there version of him.He still tried.He did.Until one day..."
I didnt bother telling,I just showed him the note without looking up.I didnt want to see the pity or sympathy.Id had enough of that.He took it gently.I waited while he read it.
His hands shook as he gave it back.I looked up at him slowly.He looked furious."Hey...i didnt tell you this to get you to sympathise.."
"No one....You..dont deserve to go through it..every day"he struggled to keep his calm.He hugged me fiercely.It was like all the emotion;anger,sadness,pity he combined into one.
"Its okay Gee...the reason why i told you this is so that you understand that I have an age old nemesis in drugs...To make you stop.Because I dont want you getting hurt in the end.You'll turn the people that love you away.Attract the wrong crowd.Gee,your an amazing person.I can see that.Don't let anyone tell you otherwise ok?I'd hate to see the amazing you not be noticed for real."
I took a deep breath after my monologue.
He was listening intently but now he just kept staring off into space.
And then he began.
"For as long as I can remember...I've always been prone to depression.In middle school and at least freshman year of high school I was always in the background.Unnoticed.Invisible.It was like I had this superpower right?I was ok with that.But then suddenly I was center of attention.I dont even mean the good way.Lockers,toilet,anywhere you can fit..trust me Ive been there.Amount of time,i've been sent home after a fight?Countless.My parents were,are awesome so is Mikey but I guess they just saw the weird kid who wears black all the time and likes dark stuff a little too much.Not to mention the whole comic book nerd thing?Yeahh,feels like I dug my own grave.So i turned to drugs.And then after college?Depression hit me in the face like a shit ton of bricks.Again,i turned to drugs.I felt like I had no purpose,nothing to gain in that shitty corporate company I joined after college.And then 9/11 happened."He shakes his head,"Well,you know,the beginning of MCR amd also my quickening downfall."He looks at me expectantly."So there you have it folks."
I laughed,resting my head on his shoulder,'We're kinda fucked up right?"Who isnt?But we?We're super fucked up".
I lifted my head at him"Super fucked up people stick together right?"
"Yup.Stick together.Pinky swear.
I giggled,"Pinky swear."
We sat together in silence for a few minutes with my head on his shoulder forgetting our past and the fact that it was 2 in the morning.It was the first time in forever that I felt peaceful..content.
Until I spoke up."Hey Ger?"
"Yeah?"
Where does Lyndsey fit in?"
"..........she fits in"
Hmph.Barely.Not the reply i was hoping for.
But still,I reply,"Okay."
