taraji h.
the waiting was worse than the paper. days had passed, but the house didn't feel the same. i moved slower in the mornings.
watched winter longer than i normally would. double checked her lunch before she left for school like i was afraid it might be the last time i did it as her mother.
"mama why you staring at me like that?" winter asked one morning.
i forced a smile. "i'm not staring."
"you are."
autumn snorted from across the table. "she been doing that for three days."
winter shrugged and kept eating like nothing was wrong.
that same night i stood in winter's doorway. i leaned against the doorframe just watching her breathe.
i remembered the first time i held her. how small she was. how loud she cried. how she wrapped her tiny fingers around mine like she already knew who i was.
mama.
the word echoed in my head. i rubbed my face hard and walked away before i started crying again.
the appointment came quicker than i wanted. tasia drove because i couldn't bring to myself to. i just couldn't trust myself behind a wheel. we barely talked the entire ride.
her hand stayed wrapped around mine on the console. every now and then she squeezed it like she was reminding me she was still there.
"you okay?" she asked quietly.
"no."
she didn't try to argue with that.
we finally made it to the clinic. a woman at the front desk smiled too much or maybe i'm just too sad.
"name?"
"taraji henson."
she typed something and handed us a clipboard. "the nurse will be right with you."
my leg bounced nonstop while we waited.
tasia put her hand on my knee. "breathe."
"i am breathing."
"barely."
i exhaled slowly. the nurse called us back. she swabbed the inside of my cheek first. then the sample we brought for winter.
"results should be ready tomorrow," she said.
that tomorrow sounded like years from now.
that entire night i couldn't sleep.
tasia rolled over and touched my arm. "babe..."
"i'm awake."
she sighed. "stop torturing yourself."
"i'm not."
she sat up, looking at me in the dim light. "you're standing in winters' door or looking at her like she may disappear if you looked away for a second. you think i don't see that?"
i looked away.
she grabbed my face gently. "nothing on that paper is going to change the way you love her."
"that's not the point."
"then what is?"
i didn't answer because i didn't have one.
instead i grabbed my phone and dialed toya. she picked up on the second ring.
"what now?" she said, sounding half amused.
"did you ever lie to me about winter?" i asked flatly.
it was all silence and then she laughed. not mean.. just... laughing like somebody who knew something i didn't.
my jaw clenched. "it's not funny."
"girl go to bed."
she hung up. i stared at the phone like i might throw it through the wall. tasia took it from my hand and set it on the nightstand.
"tomorrow," she said softly. and we we're off to sleep.
the next morning felt like walking to a verdict. my stomach churned the entire drive.
when the doctor walked in, i didn't let them sit down.
"just tell me," i said.
she slid the paper across the desk. my hand shook as i grabbed it.
my eyes went straight to the line.
probability of maternity: 99.9%
i stopped breathing. i read it again and again.
tasia wrapped her arms around me immediately.
"she's yours," she whispered.
my whole body felt lighter. like somebody had lifted a weight off my lungs.
i laughed through the tears. "i knew it."
tasia kissed the side of my head. "i told you."
i hugged the doctor unexpectedly.
after we left the clinic, i didn't go home first.
i went straight to toya's house because if anybody had anything to do with it, it was her. she opened the door already smiling.
the fake report was in my hand. she saw it and started laughing before i said a word.
"you're a sick— toya i swear you test something in me that nobody else ever could." i told her.
"i had to know," she said, still laughing.
"know what?"
"if blood told you different... would you still claim her?"
i stared at her. "you played with my mind over my child. of course i would still claim her. i raised her"
"we raised her."
i shook my head slowly. "don't ever test my love or play with my blood like that again."
she nodded, smiling. "i won't. just wanted to test the waters."
i turned and walked away before i said something worse.
"so she's the one who sent the fake letter?" tasia asked as i stepped in.
"yeah. i knew she was behind it this sick shit. but forget that. winter is mine." i smiled again at the thought.
tasia smiled, rubbing my arm, "she is"
that night the house was normal again. winter was on the couch watching tv with bryce. autumn was arguing with him about the remote like usual.
i sat beside winter and just looked at her. she caught me almost immediately.
"why you looking at me like that beetlejuice?" she asked and i laughed.
i pulled her into a hug so tight she squealed.
"okay! okay! mama i cant breathe!"
i laughed through a breath. "i just needed to remember something."
she leaned back, confused. "remember what?"
i kissed her forehead. "that you my daughter"
she rolled her eyes like i was crazy. "well duh mama. i been your kid since i came out of mommy's stomach."
"that's right"
tasia stood in the kitchen doorway watching us, smiling softly. and for the first time in days... my chest finally felt calm.
i think i like this little life....
THE END.
