Nothing Is Gonna Change My World (McLennon, Starrison)

I Wish I Could

*John Lennon*

I didnt know what to think of Paul's visit. It had been nice. He had told me he loved me, and we had laid on my couch talking about silly things. We did not, however, resume our relationship. He kept insisting that I needed to be there for my family. And even if I didn't love Cynthia like I use to, I suppose part of me still wanted to be with her. And I especially needed to be there for my son.

But really, all I wanted was to be with Paul.

I shook the thoughts out of my head as I heard Cynthia walking up to the door. I sat up and quickly turned on the radio. I didn't want her to question me about sitting in a quiet room. So, I thought maybe a little music would distract the idea. She walked in and quickly look my direction. She was carrying Julian in one arm and her bag with the other. I stood up and walked to help her. She smiled and handed me her bag.

"Where's Paul?" She said, beginning to walk upstairs with Julian.

"Went home once we finished the song. Said he had a family dinner." He actually hadn't said that. He had left because he didn't want to get too attached in one moment again. At least that's what he had told me.

"Oh. Well, maybe next time he can stay for dinner here." She smiled as I nodded my head. She went upstairs and I followed her, carrying her bag with all of Julian's things. We reached our room and I set the bag down on the bed. As I opened it, I realized I didn't really know where any of it went.

"Uh, Cyn? I don't really know what to do with all this." She looked at me and smiled, shaking her head.

"I'll do it. Just leave everything on the bed." She went back to changing Julian into more comfortable clothes.

"But I want to help." She looked at me, obviously surprised by my sudden generousity, as she put Julian down on his crib, which he tried protesting by crying.

"Oh. Well, that's a surprise." I was a little taken aback by her words, but it wasn't a lie. I never really wanted to put any of this stuff away. It was very boring.

"Yeah, I know. I just feel kind of bad, not knowing where exactly to put any of this that is..." I smiled weakly. Really I just wanted to be a little more involved with this parenting thing, and I thought maybe now would be a good time to start. Especially since I had agreed with Paul that I would help out with Julian.

"Alright then!" She sounded more than excited, and I smiled at her bright face as she showed me where to put everything. She had everything very organized and told me everything had to be in its designated spot, both for sanitary and organizational reasons. When we finished organizing everything, I sat on the bed as she went downstairs to prepare dinner. I was feeling satisfied with the job I had done (with her help of course), and thought maybe she and Julian were all I needed in my life for now.

-*-

*Paul McCartney*

I thought I knew what I was doing, but really I was constantly arguing with myself on my decisions. Every time I told John that our relationship could not work in our circumstances, I regretted it. I never told him that, but I knew it. I felt awful. I really hated seeing him so hurt.

But I wasn't wrong, was I? The world couldn't know about us in that way anyway. We would have to be secretive about it. Why did it affect me so much now? It hadn't before. Was I really falling in love with John? Of all people, with John Lennon?

I had told him so, and by doing that it had got me thinking once again. I needed answers, but what did it matter anyway? It wouldn't work.

No, it couldn't.