wake up, phil - [phan]

{ 25 } - Fateful

{ONE DAY LATER}

Dan's POV

Hello Phil,

I miss you. I miss you so much. You know how much I've always hated mushy stuff, but now all I want is one of your hugs. You've always been great at giving hugs.

I miss you, your laugh and your happy eyes and your little smiley cheeks, and your arms around mine late at night. Your happy little personality. Your bounciness. Your ability to make me laugh, even in the worst situations. Your unintentional puns and innuendos, your clumsiness. The fans, our audience, they miss you too. They miss me as well. They miss us both.

I miss us both too.

I wish you were here. Nothing much has happened for me, I've spent a lot of hours watching over you making sure you're safe. I want to be near you because I feel I have a stronger connection with you when I'm sat inches from you. But... I want you to know that I'm so sorry for everything that's happened. I never meant to kick you out, and shout at you. In the fury of the moment, I claimed I "bloody hated you", but right now, in the heat of this moment, I would kill to say "I bloody love you" one last time. I should call my parents and let them know what they've done. None of this is your fault, it's fate, and I suppose our fate was never meant to be.

I hate myself and I say it was all down to fate but I'm blaming myself for everything. I would do anything to go back in time and change what I did and said. I wish I wasn't such an idiot. I wish I'd thought before I'd spoken, and before I'd gotten so angry. Every few moments, I see you stuffing your things into your backpack in your bedroom as I watched you from the doorway that night, you giving me one last look as you sprint past me into the hallway. I should have followed you, yelled at you, forgiven you.

I then realise every time that the last time I saw you awake, you had tears streaming down your face and it was because of me that you were crying.

Oh god, Phil. If you're really gone... You don't understand how hard everything will be. Where will I go? I can't go back to the flat, back home. Everything will remind me of you and it was only "home" with you there anyway. Whenever you left to visit your parents, the flat felt like a cold shell. Like me when you're not right here.

I would do anything, give anything, to at least have one last two minutes with you. Words wouldn't be needed if I did, I'd hold you tight during those two minutes and pray you'd stay there. With me. Us two together.

I regret every time I ever lost my temper with you, or laughed at you or cursed you or taunted you. I take anything mean I said back, I take it all back. I wish I could take you back.

How do I tell your parents, they don't even know yet, only Chris and PJ know? I should phone both of them soon, but I can't bring myself to do it. How do I tell our audience? The millions of people who know all about us and would kill to meet us? The millions of people who watch us every day? I'd have a breakdown, continuing YouTube on my own

I'm breaking down now.

I know you went through this stage in your life too, when your flat mate Stephen died in that before I met you. You dealt with it well because you're just such an incredible person, and you're always so optimistic. You lifted your chin, even though Stephen was very close to you. You continued your life, you continued YouTube, and I know that's what you want me to do too. But I'm so different, and this is such a different situation.

Yes, you were close to Stephen. But you had other friends and other people to comfort you when you were upset. But... Stephen wasn't your everything. He wasn't your world or your happiness. And I haven't got anybody else on this planet who can help me through this. Sarah's been good to me, and I'll always thank her for that. But if you really were gone, the only person I'd want to be comforted by would be you.

I hope you're happy, wherever you are.

Fuck it, I can't stand this, Phil; you're lying right in front of me, yet I feel like you're a million lightyears away, in another dimension. I have to be with you, the ache in my heart is so huge that it hurts every time I take a bloody breath. That's it. I know how.

Phil, if you can't come back, I've only got one choice. I have to go to you. I'll do it because life has no definition, no light, no breakthrough without you, Phil. It's a living hell, and that's why I don't think my future will be a living one if I carry out my plan.

I'm coming for you, Phil.

I'll do it. I've decided. I've decided, as I've been sat here, stroking your arm that I freed from the covers of the bed. My hand is now sliding down to your fingers as I slowly caress little shapes into your lukewarm palm. You always let me do this at night, lying next to you at the end of a long day, you said it "calmed you down". I slowly place my entire hand onto yours, so our palms are touching and our fingers are linked. I hold on and I hold on tight. I squeeze softly.

I've decided.

I imagine you squeezing back, suddenly opening your eyes so the greeny-blue crystals twinkle up at me and you sit up in the bed as you grin happily, as you whisper quietly...

"It was just a joke, Dan. I'm fine, I was never in a coma, it was a prank!"

But of course you don't. I've decided; this is fate, fate is harsh and you have no control over what happens.

I'm coming for you, Phil, unless I want this ache to continue forever.

Love from,

Dan
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