wake up, phil - [phan]

{ 8 } - Destroyed

{BACK TO PRESENT}

Phil's POV

I couldn't feel anything. Not a thing. Nothing at all. Dan hated me with a passion. His parent's hated me with a passion too.

I had spent an hour knocking and pushing and thudding at dan's door, despearate to get in. My hands stung and patches of them were cut. My throat was red raw and it felt like I was eating a porcupine whenever I swallowed. Now I was slumped against Dan's door. I had stopped sobbing by now, the sadness had gone. All I could feel was nothingness.

On a usual evening, I would have logged onto Tumblr, or tweeted, or made a video for YouTube, or sit with Dan and watched an anime, or broadcast a liveshow on YouNow. Nothing like that appealed to me now, apart from being with Dan.

I decided to go to the bathroom to wash the tiny cuts on my hands and get some plasters, but I got a shock when I went into the bathroom and peered at myself in the big mirror. My eyes were shockingly red and my cheeks had severe tear stains on them. My hair looked like a bush was being hung upside down. I sighed and decided to have a shower instead.

As I undressed and hopped into the shower, I was happy to feel the warm water run onto and run off my body. It was calming and the noise of the water on the floor of the shower was soothing, as I thought everything through.

* * *

I lay on my bed, my laptop on my chest. In the shower, I realised I wanted to try and make the evening and night as normal as possible, no matter how I felt. So I logged onto Twitter and tweeted about how cold it had been today. I noticed people were asking why Dan hadn't tweeted for a while.

Because I've been an idiot, that's why, I thought.

I still didn't know what to do. Dan had been in his room for hours and didn't want to come out, he had made that pretty clear. He must get hungry at some point, or need to pee. It was almost 11 at night.

No, I thought, no, I have to get him out and apologise properly, no matter what it takes to do that.

I jumped off my bed and into the hallway and faced Dan's door, looking at the "Ugh, Becky" sign on the door handle and came close to smiling. I pushed on the door lightly, praying it would open. To my surprise, the... Whatever it was that had been blocking the door had gone and I could open the door fully now. I knocked, not wanted to make him jump, and then I entered.

Dan was on his bed, facing the side of the room away from the door. I quietly stepped across the room to face him, to see if he was sleeping.

He was, but his eyes flickered open at the sound of me padding around his room in my socks. His eyes that were equally bloodshot to mine. He stared at me for a long time, and I stayed stock-still too. I had no idea if it was a comfortable silence or an uncomfortable one, I was just happy to stare at him, as he stared back.

But the anger and fury in his eyes earlier had been replaced with... Sorrow, and emptiness. I hated it. I hated seeing Dan sad. It reminded me of 2009, when Dan was worried about his life and it had taken me for him to become the opinionated, interesting guy he was today.

Finally I spoke.

"Dan?"

Dan stayed silent, he looked through me, as if I wasn't standing right in front of him.

"Dan, I'm... sorry." were the only words I could force out of me.

"Oh." Dan mumbled. It was sharp, yet sad, but it confused me. Wasn't he mad? Wasn't he cross? Why was he like this?

"Oh?"

"You're sorry?"

"Yes." I said defiantly. "I am so, so sorry, Dan."

"You're.... Sorry?"

"Erm..." I wasn't really sure what he meant. "Yes, I am sorry." I repeated.

Slowly he pushed himself up and turned to face me, his hair pushed over on one side from lying on the pillow and that cheek on the side was red. There were small soggy looking circles on the pillow.

"Is that it?" He retorted.

"What?" I said, confused.

"Is that it? You're sorry?"

"W-What do you mean, Dan?" I asked.

"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" Dan yelled, making me jump out of my skin. Fury was returning to his eyes again and I began to worry again. Yeah, he was mad. My breath quickened.

"What? N-No, Dan, I have more-"

"Well you can shove it up your fucking arse, Phil. Saying sorry isn't bloody going to change anything. You've destroyed my relationship with my parents, they hate me - and you - and my dad officially disowned me. It's all your fault and all you say is SORRY?" He jumped off the bed and I was terrified he was going to hit me, so I backed away quickly, my hands up.

"D-Dan, no, listen to me, I have more!"

Dan looked at me with fury again. His breathing was fast and furious. He was never this angry, and I didn't think he ever had been this angry in his life.

This wasn't the Dan I knew.