wake up, phil - [phan]

{ 32 } - Distorted

Dan's POV

I walk away from my bedroom. I'm so stupid, this is all such a huge mistake and it's all down to my idiocy. I'm not crying, though.

I return to the gloomy kitchen and come up with the idea to empty the fridge. It must be full of mouldy food that we hadn't touched for weeks. I was right, because as I opened the fridge door, a nasty smell hit me full on. I grabbed the cheese which had turned a nasty blue colour on all four corners, and turned to put it in the bin.

Wow, I thought as I lifted the lid, This bin is really full. I should probably empty it.

And just like before, the memories just kept flooding back.

"Phil! Can you go and empty the bin in the kitchen?"
"Dan, why can't you do it?"
"Because I'm busy!"
"You're not busy!"
"Yeah I am..."
"Busy doing what?"
"I'm in the middle of a bloody 150cc race on mario kart!"
"Dan?"
"What?"
"I bags not emptying the bin next time!"
"No, I already said that yesterday."
"You did not!"
"I did!"
"Liar, liar-"
"Don't you da-"
"-DAN IS ON FIIREE!"
"You're the worst person ever."

I dropped the cheese into the bin, and slammed the lid shut with as much force as I could. I was having none of this. I had come here to do something, and I had to go and do it, I had to fulfil my purpose of being here. I left the hallway, ignoring the stain on the floor from Phil's accident, and went into my bedroom.

...

I had everything set up. The camera was on it's stand, the light was on, my bedroom behind me was tidied and looked vaguely presentable. I took a deep breath as I settled myself into my chair. Here we go.

"Hello, Internet." I say, raising my hand up into a two-finger salute. But my voice sounds scratchy and I break up halfway, so I try again. "Hello-" I choke on my words, clearing my throat again. "Hello, Internet!" But I feel like I've put too much enthusiasm into that, so I try again. "Hello, Internet." But it feels too half-hearted this time. Oh god, I can't even do this simple thing anymore.

"Hello- oh FUCK IT." I shout, slamming my hand on the desk in front of me. "I can't get this bloody thing right!"

I stop myself and breath for a second. Okay, I'll just continue now, it's fine.

"Yes, this video may come as a surprise to you. Yes, surprisingly, I am not dead. I haven't been having a huge existential crisis... Actually... I've just... Something has happened. Something has happened to a close friend of mine who many of you will know and love very much... Basically, I'm not continuing to make videos because I've lost someone who I really love and they meant so much to me and they were a huge part of my life, and I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to continue with such a big hole dug into my existence, so I want you to know that... I'm sure you loved him, whether you were a casual fan or obssessed, he appreciated you for who you were, but I loved him for... Everything. He was known as AmazingPhil, and he will always be amazing to me, and to you, whether you liked him or not. I just... Really hope you can understand, because I'm sure that... If it was you... You'd... Oh, for fuck's SAKE!"

I jump up, yank my camera off it's stand and throw it at the wall, hearing the lense shatter. I go to my desk and push everything off it onto the floor, as I kick my chair over. And then I sit on the edge of my bed, place my hands over my eyes and scream as loud as I can. I scream and scream until my voicebox finally gives way and my screams turn into raspy whispers.

I have all of these emotions trapped inside of my brain. Sometimes this happened to me in the past, when I was so pent up with anger and fury over something stupid. It always faded when Phil would look me in the eye and let me take it out on him. I'd shout and scream at him and he'd take it because he knew it was simply my method of expelling my anger. It mostly happened when I was still in college, studying for my autumn exam. I'd spend all day playing video games with Phil but when the exam got close, I panicked. Then I stressed out. It was horrible for Phil too, he had to take me crying all the time and shouting and wanting to hug him twenty-four-seven, always needing a comforting hand on mine. But he always helped me. It was always him, not anybody else. But now there was nobody to tell, nobody to help, not anyone I felt comfortable telling.

I jumped off my bed and snatched my laptop from the floor beside the bed. It was so cold, I got a shock and almost let it slip from my hand.

I placed the laptop on my desk, and switched it on as I sat down, making a very familiar buzzing noise and the screen lit up, showing a very familiar desktop.  I scanned the bottom tool bar and I was looking for one word only.

Skype.

I found the blue icon and clicked on it, the mousepad cold under my fingers. I almost had a sense of deja vu for a second, taking me back to years of excitement and the first time I'd ever called Phil on Skype, before I went to college, before I moved in with him.

I came close to smiling at the memories then, but the corners of my mouth wouldn't lift, no matter what. I looked over my Skype profile and searched the contacts for the word "Phil". I found him, his profile picture his small lion toy.

Sorry, this person is not online at the moment. Would you like to send a video message to "Phil"?

Yes.

My own face appeared, pixelated and distorted, like how I felt my future was. Pressing the record button, I began talking. And I talked for three long, long hours.

* * *

"So... Bye Phil. You've left your mark on this planet and that mark will be cherished by me and by all of the people who miss you. But I'm starting my journey to be with you again, Phil. This, in no way, shape or form, is the end. This is the beginning of something much happier. I'll see you soon. Bye, Phil."

I shut the lid of the laptop, as if I had shut down every happy emotion I would ever feel again.

Death is inevitable, but it is never the end.

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