wake up, phil - [phan]

{ 36.5 } - Minutes

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lt's funny.

During my life, I'd hit the bottom of my heart many times. I avoided sad things every day of my life. But during those moments, I tried to think happier thoughts desperately, not wanting to set myself off into an oblivion of depression. And it had never worked. Every time I tried, I fucked up and ended lying on my back, wanting to sink into the carpet, through the floorboards into the ground where I could burn in the deprivation of hell. Not that anybody really cared about me and my problems much back then.

My mind was too complex and emotional. I just thought too much about things and sat in awe at the people who just passed on by with their normal and everyday lives, as if they couldn't care less about death or enevibility.

But now, when I want to sink to the bottom, my brain won't let me. I need those sad thoughts. I need the will power. I need to go back and forrege through my teenage years for my most upsetting moments. They're what I need now.

I have good memories, believe it or not. And for some reason, they've decided to come back to me now, when I need to push them away. Memories that changed my life, events that changed my life, people that changed my life.

People that changed me.

A person that had changed me.

A guy who had changed me. And had changed me for the better. And supported me. And grinned at me. And made me feel the way I wish I had felt all of my teenage years.

His name was Philip Michael Lester. And the day I spoke to him was the day that the cloud of emotions and frustration I had held over my head for so many years was pushed away.

His name was Philip Michael Lester, and he is my happy days, he is my favourite colour, he is my smile. And he changed me to be the person I am today. And now,

That change will all be erased.

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7th July, 2009, 10:08pm

"Hi, is it working? Can you hear me?"

"Yep. Hi Dan! How are you?"

"I'm good thanks, Phil. You?"

"I'm great. It's uh... really lovely to be able to talk to you. I wanted to do this for a while now..."

"Same with me."

"I read some of your comments, and you're so nice to me."

"It's a pleasure, Phil. I really like what you make!"

"Thanks Dan. You know, you should have a YouTube channel too!"

"I can't, Phil. It would be pointless. I won't ever think of anything interesting to say. I'm boring."

"No you're not, Dan! I think you're really interesting! I would one hundred percent watch your videos!"

"Thanks, Phil. That means a lot."

"Who knows, Dan. One day we could have millions of subscribers."

"Phil, that wouldn't ever happen. For you, yes, of course. But not for me."

"You don't know, Dan. Anything can happen. It's just too far into the future for us to see it."

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