The Sweetest Scheme of Fate (Defying Fate Trilogy #1)

Chapter 49: Resolves

I'm so sorry for the late update. Been busy with school stuffs. One chapter to go (which is divided into two parts) before the epilogue. *****

It's over. Hanns and I were over. And this truth was like a chain in my heart that tightened its gripped on it with every second. It was so hard to breathe and it felt like I was depriving of air.

I know I shouldn't be crying. Wala akong karapatang umiyak. Because in the first place, ako ang nagtulak sa kanya papalayo sa akin. Ako ang may gusto na maghiwalay na kami. Ako ang ayaw nang bumalik sa kanya. Ako ang lahat ng may kasalanan ng mga nangyayari ngayon. Ako. So, it was so stupid of me to cry over the things that I have asked for.

But, could anyone blame me? Masyado akong nasasaktan! I was hurting like hell! And I was left with no choice but to cry over the things that were already done. I had no choice but to mourn for a love that I decided to end. I was so pathetic, I know! But I just loved and poured my whole heart onto it.

I love Hanns so much. So damn much. Sobrang tindi ng nararamdaman kong pagmamahal para sa kanya at alam kong hindi na ako magmamahal pa ulit nang ganito. Kahit gaano kasakit ang ginawa niya ay hindi nabawasan ang pagmamahal ko para sa kanya.

And I don't think that it would even falter. Even when he messed up, it would still make the feelings I have for him fiercer. That's how stupid my love for him.

But I couldn't afford anymore to risk my heart for him. Not because I am madly in love with him, I would just watch my heart repeatedly pounded into pieces. Kasi kung hahayaan ko lang na ang puso ko ang manaig, baka lalo lang kaming magkasakitan. At baka sa susunod ay hindi ko na kayanin pa ang sakit. This love was so painful. Our love story was so damn painful.

I was already inside my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, my fists were clenched at the hem of my blouse, hurting, crying... and dying. My mind was blurry with many thoughts of him. Pain was enfolding my heart with its never-ending sorrow as I remembered him begging for me to stay.

How could I stand to live a day without him? How could I live my life without him? These questions were striking my head like many arrows were piercing my heart. His gloomy face, his eyes that were filled with tears, his every hiccup, his voice and pleas never left my mind. Every thing that happened in his condo put me into deep despair.

"But you wanted this! You asked for this! So stop crying, you stupid!" I berated myself as many tears fell down my face. I sniffed and tried my tears to stop from falling but I couldn't seem to stop from crying. I was hurting. Really. "Stop this, you idiot! It's not as if he didn't ask you the same questions when you were on his condo before you decided to leave him! Stop crying!" I admonished myself as I wiped my tears with the back of my hands.

There I realized, that no matter how firm your resolve was, it would be easily shaken when it comes to the one you love; that no matter how you convinced yourself that the decision you made was for the best for both of you, you would still find yourself crying for something that you thought was right.

I knew I was very vulnerable in our relationship. Some may call me a tough, awesome and firm girl but when it comes to Hanns, I was very weak and fragile. I was hurting when he's hurting and I was dying whenever I saw him cry. And Hanns may be child-like sometimes, but he's always the man that every girl would be dreaming of when it comes to me. The man that any girl was praying to have in their lives.

He's always there to comfort me when I need him; he's always there for me to cheer me up and boost my confidence when I am losing my self-esteem; he's always there in my side in every decision I make; he's always there for me to give me faith and courage in the darkest hours of my existence; he's always there to love me more than anyone could ever love someone even if I didn't ask to; he was always there for me in every up and down of my life. He's always there for me... even when I was unconsciously hurting him.