Journeys(L.H)

Chapter 47

           "Should we give you two some time?" Calum spoke up after Luke and I had held each other in embrace. I didn't know how long it's been but it felt like two seconds rather than two minutes. I could stay there for the rest of my life, not worrying about anything.
    When I heard Calum's voice, we role apart and I looked at Luke. He kept his eyes trained at the ground, not knowing what the say. "That would probably be best." I said after clearing my throat. They filed out of the room silently except Michael, who made a while with his thumb and pointed finger and stuck his other pointed finger into the hole.
    I crinkled my nose then rolled my eyes. Once they had left, I took Luke's warm, shaky hand and guides him to sit down in a chair. I sat across from him on the couch. "Luke," I started. I kept his hand tucked into my two hands. His hand was at least twice the size of mine.

   "What?" He asked sharply. I was taken back by his sudden change in attitude. "What are you going to say?" The ice in his words cut my skin, that had been already bruised by him long ago. "Are you going to say that 'I had to go' or 'I didn't want to hurt you'?"
    He had a complete mood swing. A couple minutes ago he was fine, hugging me like there was no tomorrow.
    "Luke, I-" My words cut off, I couldn't find my voice. It got hitched in the back of my throat, stuck.
   "What?" He snarled, louder now. His eyes looked into my soul, searching for an answer. "You're sorry?" He stood up and press his hands out wide. "It's a little late for that."

   His attitude made me feel so guilty. I stood up to try and match his height, my anger boiling. He was remarkably taller than me, almost a foot taller. "You think you're the only one who had to suffer?" I shouted in his face. The smug look disappeared off of Luke's face. I ignored any sympathy I had. "Do you even know what it feels like to be teased every single moment of everyday because of some disease?" I scoffed and let my hands drop to my sides. "And if it wasn't bad enough being away from you, I had to graduate early because the school thought I wasn't appropriate in the environment. I had to let everything go and try not to care." I let all my anger rush out in bursts. "Luke, it was not my decision to leave, okay? You need to understand that. I did it because it needed to happen. I handled it responsibly like an adult, and a damn good one at that! You need to grow the hell up!" I screamed.
   "You don't know anything about me. You don't know what I went through. The cutting, the therapy, the hospital visits, the relocation, the rejection." My words wouldn't stop coming out. I scoffed again but this time, let my shoulders sink. I stared at him with a bitter look of sadness in my eyes. "You don't know a thing about me."

   Luke stayed silent for a long time. My jaw stayed glued and my expressions steely. It seemed like my words echoed through the room.
   "Well, then I guess we both had hardships." Luke finally got the nerve, the impulse to look at me with glassy eyes. His eyes, swimming with emotion and thought. Those eyes that had looked at me thousands of times but now, in a new light.
I saw him. Finally, I saw him raw and exposed. His true pain so evident that he didn't even try to hide it.
"There's no way that you could've known what I'd been through." He said sorrowfully. "But I got so depressed and I don't even know why." He bit his thumb nail between sentences. "But it was like a fugue state. I couldn't remember anything that had happened before all this pain. It was just rain and storms everyday, some days worse than others." He said. I could tell he was trying to reel in his anger and stay under control.

"But I wanted the pain to end so badly. It just got to the point to where I couldn't even breath without my body aching. Every second without you was every second wasted." He explained, tears prickling his soft cheeks. "So I tried to kill myself."
I had always thought that killing yourself would be the very single last option to do. I thought that it was a vicious cycle of pain because when you died, you would affect others and bring them pain. I always thought that it was selfish and the easy way out. But now, after 19 years, I understand. I get it. I get that sometimes it's just too much to handle. That sometimes it is the best option and your depression gets the best of you.
"I slit my wrists then drank as much as I could before I blacked out so I could at least try to forget some of it. It didn't work. I even went out to a cliff to see if I got drunk enough that I would stumble and fall." He clasped his hands tightly together. "But I didn't. The only thing I was drunk off of was you. I couldn't stop thinking of every single thing that you did like the way you brush your hair or how you rub your face when you're stressed." He stuttered out.
"All I wanted to do was forget but it just made me remember even more."

A/N: I can't even right now way too many emotions. Okay byeeee🏤