Journeys(L.H)

Chapter 48

"I know. I know how it feels." I said after silence for a few seconds. I looked down at my hands and inhaled deeply.
   "No, you don't." He insisted
  "Yes I do!" I yelled at him. "You don't know what I've been through."

  "Okay, sit down." He said to me sternly, like he was my mother. "If we don't know the full story, we'll just keep fighting." He guided me down into a chair and kept my hands now. His hands were warm but shaky. "Tell me everything." Luke said to me.

    "I left for a reason." I said to him. "Four years ago, I had cancer that was nearly incurable. They'd never seen it before and they didn't know how to treat it. I almost died until they found out where it was effecting me. My brain was torn and I should've been dead." I recalled the story with minor discomfort. So many people had asked me about it but never said the right things. "They called it Brinley's disease, since I was the first case."
"So I had to quit school because the bullying got so bad. I got schooled from home." I spoke slowly, my words getting jumbled by my nerves. "And once they thought they had cured me, it was around the time that One Direction was taking off. So I was slowly getting better."
I let out a bitter laugh. "And when Louis offered to take me on the tour, of course I said yes." A small smile crossed on my lips when I remember the first time he told me about it. "When I was packing for the tour, I thought I would be stupid enough the not pack my pills. The pills that kept the cancer from growing any more."

Luke butted in. "So for a full six months-"
  "Yeah." I cut him off before he could continue. "It grew. A lot. It spread down to my lungs a bit." I bit my tongue. I didn't want to say anything about my various therapy sessions or how I spent my days thinking how much easier it would be to be dead.
   "Why would you do that to yourself?" Luke asked with shock in his voice.
    "I thought I was better. When Louis found out, he told my mum and she jumped on the first plane to me. She was so mad that she locked me up in my room for three months." I started to feel shaky and dizzy. "I can't tell now if that was my decision or hers."

   Luke listened intently. I need thought of him as a good listener but I was wrong about many things. "When it came back, everything changed. My sisters wouldn't talk to me. I quit school again after graduating early. None of my 'friends' knew about it." I swallowed and sniffed through my nose.
   "Brin, if you had told me-" Luke started to sympathize but I'd heard it all before.
    "Then you would've treated me differently. It's so much better when they don't know because I hate dragging people down into my hell." I stopped him.

   "Trust me, I never wanted to leave you. That was the last thing I wanted to do." I said, finally looking up at him. "But you have a right to be mad at me." I finished with that statement and searched his eyes for an answer.
    I'd never seen him look so broken. I'd seen him happy and dancing, full of life. I'd seen his sad and guilty, when he'd punched Caspar. I'd seen him anxious, how he gets before a show. But never this. Never so broken down to the point where it could take years to rebuild. I knew that I was the cause of his downfall.
   "Did you mean it?" He asked quietly. His eyes flickered between my lips, nose and eyes.

    "What?" I asked. What was he talking about.
    "In the letter. Did you mean what you said?" He asked a little louder this time, with more confidence.

   I then knew what he was taking about. Warmth traveled up my spine and onto my face, heating my body and filling it with light. The letter. Of course he remembers it. And I smiled. A real smile, not an 'I'm really not okay but I'll pretend for your sake' smile. A real smile that says everything.
   "Yes. I do. I still do." I saw Luke's jaw relax and his mouth opened slightly. His ragged breaths made me dizzy and his eyes filled with water and sky, mixed together, could get me to do anything. I leaned in close to him, placing a hand on his scruffy cheek. "I love you." I whispered close to his ear.

   Luke's back straightened and arched slightly when my words chilled his skin. He rested a hand on my side, pulling me closer to him.
    I looked up into my eyes and counted to ten, like my therapist told me.

1 moment
2 years past
3 months in the hospital
4 years of hell
5 different fights
6 months of beginning again
7 songs to sing to
8 bottles of depression
9 secrets
10 beats faster

I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. Nothing swimming in the sea of desperation or worry. Just Luke and only Luke.
I opened my eyes to see his leaning in closer to my face. We were only about a foot apart and he was closing in on me. A few more inches and our lips would meet, at last.

Do I want that? Do I want him?

"Luke," I stopped him before we could close the seal. "I can't."

A/N: plot twist for dayyysssss aye sorry for that tease. This chapter was really deep and emotional. It shows what happened to both of them over time. Okay byeeee🛎