My Guilty Pleasure

30. A Little Bit Of Honesty

Damien's POV

The only thing I'm feeling right now is a pain! Sharp, numbing pain in my temples. I would love nothing more than to get rid of it. Ohhh, I hate hangovers. I drunk so much last night I don't even know how I got here. There were other things besides alcohol and that doesn't help. What the hell was I thinking I don't know. I remember going to Desiree, I'm so fucking stupid. I remember bits of the things I said and I don't know how could I. I'm always so careful and last night I mumbled everything about myself. Never in my life have I made such a stupid decision. She crept under my skin, I'll give her that. Somehow I got attached to her, I can't say there was one point when that happened. It was like everything that led to this one point in life. Like how I want to protect her, how I worry about her, how she makes me laugh, makes me horny... I don't like it, not at all! I don't trust women and this... This is just a liability and I don't need that, not in my kind of business. That's why I went to Naomi, I wanted to forget her, to get Desiree out of my system. In the end, all I fucking did, was confirm that I don't want Naomi, I only want Desiree. Fucking moron.

 So what better way to get rid of my anger and frustration than to drink. I remember Naomi's smooth skin, but it wasn't as smooth as Desiree's... I drunk some more. Then I remember Naomi's kiss, but she wasn't passionate like Desire... So another drink... By the end of the night, I was in front of Desiree and I don't know how I made such a stupid fucking decision. I still haven't figured Desiree out but I'm trying. She's like a puzzle and I can't wait to solve it whole. I just see there is more to her, she's mysterious. Maybe because I couldn't have her for so long, she now tastes sweeter. It's like forbidden fruit, like some secret of mine. I like forbidden things, but don't we all? It's always better when someone tells you you can't have it. Then when you get it, victory is so much sweeter. Maybe it's that, but I expected to grow tired of her after I have her as much as I want. Sadly, that still didn't happen. I love that tight spot on her. There is always some tension between us. Her eyes are begging me to fuck her but her mouth is challenging me, and she's so damn proud. It pains me to admit, but there is some attachment, I think from her side as well. I'm not in love with her, and I can't let that happen. They will kill her if they find out. Her life will be in danger if wrong people even assume there is something going on between us. And her brother... I'm not stupid, there is something wrong. She is so scared of him and that makes me hate him even more. I talked to him a couple of times after Mexico and if he was unpleasant before, now he is insufferable. I will protect her from him if I have to. I know he's angry with me because he saw Desiree in Mexico. She deserves happiness. That's why I'm not good enough for her. Even if I do like her, I won't give her anything, I won't be able to. She needs someone to take care of her, treat her like a princess. I was so awful to her, I regret ever being that way but it's too late now. I learned regret doesn't change a thing. We can only move on and try to be better. I am trying, I'm being nice to her in my own way. I'm not a good man. I've done things that haunt me even today... The faces... I see the eyes of the people I've hurt in my dreams... I was young, I was naive. I thought there is nothing that could get me, but in the end, I was my biggest enemy. Other people didn't hurt me as much as I've hurt myself with the things I've done. But it's in the past like I've said. Now there is no way out, there is nothing I could do that's just the way it works. You don't get into this business only to walk out when you're tired of it. There are rules, and codes and If I break them, it's not only my life that's at stake but of everyone I even slightly care of... I wonder what would happen if Desiree finds out my secret, will she run away from me? Turn me to the police? I don't know, but I can't risk her finding out, not just yet. I don't trust her that much. The best thing would be to let her go, and when she yelled at me and offered that I almost agreed. But I couldn't. I imagined someone else being with her, enjoying her laugh, her skin, her pussy... I couldn't let that happen, I'm too much of a selfish bastard. So I convinced her, I manipulated her, and I would do it again just so she could stay by my side. We're now just going to pick up where we left off, but we need to change this seeing other people's business. I don't need other people and I won't let her see anyone else. I finally, somehow, got out of the bed and made my way around to find her. She's in the kitchen, making something, from the smell probably bacon and eggs. She's dancing faintly to some imaginary music. I smiled and leaned against the door watching her a bit more, feeling like I've stolen some peace from her because she thinks she's alone. She's so vulnerable, dancing, so relaxed... She's wearing the right white shirt and some shorts. While dancing her shirt rose slightly upward and her hips and stomach are now on the display. I just want to bend her over this counter and fuck her from behind while holding her perfect hips. I want to feel her. To hear her sighs and says my name. I'll be damned. I despise this woman because she makes me feel like this! The very thought of that sweet mouth of hers moaning someone else's name is very annoying. I want her whole to myself, I don't like to share! I approached her slowly and roughly grabbed her hips. At first, she stiffened like always, and I know I surprised her. But the way she reacts makes me think again about why is she like this. I'm slowly putting pieces together but I don't dare say the things I've come up with. I can't handle those thoughts, I'm angry just from thinking about it. She turned and looked at me for a moment, eyes wide like a frightened cat. Then she smiled, and I had to fight back a smile. that sincere smile that reaches her eyes is the only thing that can calm me down no matter how angry I am. Her eyes really are the window to her soul.