My Guilty Pleasure

13. Why did I need this in my life?

13. Why did I need this in my life? 

(beginning of a dream)

Pleadingly I looked at the black figure that's hovering over my body. With the frightened eyes of an innocent child, I looked at him wanting to disappear. I still feel like a child. A frightened child who has, until today, looked at the world from a different angle. Dreamy. Mesmerized. Oblivious to all wickedness and malice that lies in this world. My eyes were closed for the reality upon this point. Covered with white silk that makes everything seemed perfect. Too bad it only seemed that way... I started to step back running away from that look full of contempt and from these hands that have hurt me, a lot, a lot of times. I do not deserve this. I was just an innocent girl, blinded by the boys, clothes, and my boring life. I wish I knew. Ah, if I only knew that it was my way of life that drew him. But now it's too late. I know I can't do anything. Some part of me knows what is coming next. I see it in his movement. But another part of my being, the dreamy part, fails to grasp the reality of the situation I'm in. I'm still imagining that I'm still a kid, still, a little girl trying to reach my muddy hands and catch the sun, the moon, the stars... I'm still trying to fly on the wings of my imagination and to go far far away from here. But that's not possible, I'm not the same little girl anymore and he's not the man I wanted him to be...

-Please ... - I whispered in the softest voice I could manage. I'm unable to say anything more, from the fear and the pain. Just a second ago I felt the worst beating in my life. He just laughed maliciously while he did that to me, and his face turned into a distorted, ominous mask. At that point the man I once new turned into a giant in my eyes. He's now dark and evil and he's smiling as my tears fall down my face. Maybe... Maybe I can get away from this, maybe it's all a dream. Maybe I'll open my eyes and I'll once again be in a normal reality where I love him and he loves me.

- Oh, Desiree... I know you want this... Yes... - He said and I sobbed, even more, crawling back from him. If only salvation existed. If only I could open my eyes and realize that this is not real. Oh... but when I opened my eyes and his face is still on in front of me, so close now that I can feel his breath. I frowned by the smell of alcohol and tried to escape but the only thing that happened is that he managed to grab my arm and pushed me on the bed. I screamed horrified. No. Oh God no... I don't like this. Please just not this... My blood froze in my veins as I felt his body hanging over my and his hands are roughly grabbing my thighs, pulling me towards him. I began to weep uncontrollably, afraid of the beast in front of me. No, God, please. Please, God. I repeated to myself as my mouth filled with the salty taste of tears. I can't stand this. I beg all the Gods that exist, every Saint to save me from this horror. I do not know why but I'm still like a little girl hoping that somehow all of this will stop. Expecting that at any moment my knight in shining armour will rush in, kill the bad guy and I'll have a happy ending. Only it didn't happen. As time went on I just realized that his disgusting hands have now torn my thin dress and then I screamed with all my might, begging him to stop. I begged him to remember our life together. To remember even a small part of love I believed existed. Rough hands grabbed me, holding me in place so that I can't move.

- Please... Ple... Please... Please don't. Please! I'm begging you! Don't do this to me. If you've ever... ever loved me... Don't... - It seemed to me that my words are lost somewhere in the air. As I look more closely into the situation I am in, I realize there is no getting out of it. My words can't help me. Uncontrollable sobs are coming out of me, destroying me and making me feel so useless. Lord have mercy. I know I have sinned, but please Lord. I just want this to end. I want him to go far away. Far away from here, from me.  

- Mmmm...you smell so good. I've always been fascinated by the way you smell. It's kind of... you smell.. like home. - He began to laugh insanely, and I think my heart stopped from the sound. More tears and sobs came from me while I am trying to get rid of his body.