My Guilty Pleasure

4.That's him!

4. That's him!

(beginning of a dream)

I feel broken. The only feeling I have inside me is pain and disgust. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted with my face and my body. Tears are now streaming down my face and I am just looking in front of myself. Every part of my body hurts. I think my arm is broken when he pulled me toward him. Ribs, legs, fingers. I know it's all broken. I can't breathe well, I can't get up. I crawled up to the glass coffee table next to me and took a piece of broken glass. All of this can be gone. I smiled, knowing that there won't be any pain. I won't have to look at his face or remember anything ugly that happen to me in life. I'll be free. With that thought, I cut open my wrist and let death take its course ... 

(Dream ends)

The moment when I opened my eyes I was welcome with a headache. Oh my God! I did it again. I closed my eyes trying to get used to the light and the fact that I am awake. When I opened my eyes again, my heart stopped in fear. Where am I? In a panic, I jumped out of bed and looked around. I'm in a very bright room. One entire wall is made of glass and I can see a great view of Miami. I recognize this part of town, and I am grateful that I know even that small fact. Two years. I've been sober for two years and last night I had to do it. Oh my God. I'm never going to restrain from it. I will never be strong enough. I start thinking for a moment and forget the situation in which I find myself. Oh yes! I looked at the bed and saw that the whole bed is wrinkled. Oh God no! There was someone else. Did I sleep with someone last night? In fear, I looked at my body and saw that I'm wearing a man's shirt. What? I didn't! It is not possible! No! I just want to get out of here. I looked around and saw that I have no purse and no cell phone, money, or even clothes. Where are my clothes? I started looking for my clothes at a huge room but I found nothing. What's more, I have not found a trace of women's clothing. What should I do? I feel as if my head is close to exploding. The pulsing becomes stronger and I don't know how much longer I can stand it. In addition to that, nausea. I carry that sense of fear like it's my own skin. Did I really sleep with a guy for whom I don't even remember I met? The last thing I know is that I danced with Travis. Travis... But this is not his house. I don't know If he has an apartment. I don't understand. If I slept with another man, where is he? I looked at the small clock and saw that it is only half-past eight. I even have time to go to work. Oh no! Did the video appear in the newspaper? Or pictures? How I managed to turn my life into hell. First, I slept with a guy I do not even remember. Second, I gave in to temptation and got drunk after two years. Third, it's possible that by now the pictures are all over the country. That's it... goodbye life, it was nice to live. I threw myself on the bed for a while just watching the ceiling. What should I do? Today I feel sadder than usual. I feel as if everything I've worked crashed. My ideal world is falling apart and all I can do is stand by and watch. I am unable to do anything. The tears welled up in my eyes but I wiped them angrily and stopped it. No! I can't give up. I didn't give up after everything that happened to me and now I want to just throw in the towel because of this stupidity. This obstacle too shall pass. Everything passes eventually. Sadly I looked at the ceiling, knowing that that is not entirely true. It may have passed but it's never forgotten. I exhaled loudly and got up from the bed. Maybe someone is in the apartment. For a while, I wandered around the apartment looking for the owner or for some clothes. Once I found neither, I decided to call Travis. I would call Gabriela but I know that he would start to yell, or who knows what. I can't deal with him. I came into the living room where I saw a phone which doesn't have a pin and called Travis. I waited but he didn't answer. I called again and no one answered. Uh... I am desperate so... I took a breath and called Gabriel. After a few seconds, he answered with a rough voice.

- Gabriel... It's Desiree... - I'm quiet because of a headache.

- Desiree... From whose number are you calling? This is not your number... Are you crazy? Do you know how long I spent looking for you? Since you left work I called for hours but you were unavailable. Do I mean so little to you that you couldn't have messaged me that you're all right? A simple hello would be fine. I was beginning to think that you're dead, you insensitive bitch. Stupid moron! What should I do with you, Desiree? - I started massaging my head because of his shouting. That's why I didn't want to call him. He's a drama queen.