My Guilty Pleasure

34. Birthday Trip

I'm right now on my way with Damien, to France. To say I'm excited and happy is not enough. I must say this is Damien's way of getting me a birthday present. There are still weeks to my birthday but Damien somehow found out the date and this was his surprise. It's only for a weekend but still. It's the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I feel really close to him. The past couple of days have been like a dream... The only thing ruining my mood is this thing inside me. I'm scared to call it a baby because I'm closer and closer to deciding to keep it. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I already love this creature. I can't help it. I still don't feel anything, it sounds unbelievable but I know there is something in there... I had a dream last night. I was at some field, filled with white flowers, Damien was beside me holding a little blonde girl in his arms. She was probably around two years old. Her eyes were the same as Damien's. Grey and green at the same time, and that dimple in her cheek, she looked exactly like him except for the blonde hair. I reached out to take her but they walked away from me. As I was trying to reach them they were becoming transparent. The last thing I know is a soft whisper calling me a murderer. I woke up in tears and for the first time, I was scared of the future, not of the past. Damien didn't even ask me anything as he held me close to him, and carried my hair until I went back to sleep. He is so gentle now. Since the talk we had, where I told him what happened to me, he is different. It warms my heart and scares me at the same time. I don't want him to see me as some wounded animal but I guess there is no going back now. As we landed Damien helped me out and we rented a car to go to his house as he said.

-You'll see, it's really beautiful, like an old mansion. I can't say I have all the good memories but it was home. I remember all the people who worked for my father. Some of them were really close to me. They told me stories about my mother. She grew up there, it was in her family for generations. Her parents died before her, and with her, their line died. I inherited my father's last name and my mother's maiden name is lost. - He said with some dark tone and I grabbed his hand, providing him comfort.

-Don't talk like that. The last name doesn't mean anything. You are her blood, you continued her line, you have a part of her.- He smiled gently, looking at the road ahead but then he grew sad...

-Well, I guess her line will die anyway. I am her only child and I don't plan on having offspring.- I swallowed I lump in my throat, feeling nervous all of the sudden. I looked for a sign that I should keep this child but everything tells me that would be a stupid idea. Damien will be so mad... I see it... He is determined about not continuing his line... I gathered some courage and decided to test the theory.-Would it be so bad for you to have kids? Some day, you may retire, or go somewhere far and have a family...- I said slowly and he looked at me for a second frowning. -It would be. I don't want kids, never have. There is no walking out I told you that. These people have connections, they would find me wherever I go. They would kill me and my family just to be sure no one will ever find out about their involvement in this business. Also, I don't want to bring a child into my life. I am... I don't have nice words, I'm bitter, I'm angry all the time, I don't like my family and I don't that life for myself. I just can't see it.- He said a bit angry and I stayed silent for the rest of the ride to his house. My mind is a mess. I'm sad and happy and I want to convince myself that I should have this child but yet I'm fighting with logic. As he stopped the car in front of the large gate. It's a bit rusty but still in a good shape. There is a stone path leading up front and around the gate there are trees. It's like a forest. Looking around I see the house is in the middle of the forest. There are some houses but they are far from here, I can only spot them in the distance. I looked trying to see the house but from the thick tree branches, I can only see the roof. I looked at Damien and he's watching me with some hidden smile. I blushed, not used to these secret looks.