My Guilty Pleasure

33. I Can't Be...

I jumped out of my bed, waking up from a nightmare. I didn't even look around me, I just closed my eyes again trying to realize what happened. I dreamed of strange things. My dreams are getting out of control. Ah yes, Damien was in that dream. That would be one hell of a story if it wasn't just a dream.  I smile at that thought and felt a hand on mine and I opened my eyes. In front of me was some man with a grey beard and hair, in a white coat. What? I looked around now and noticed that I'm in a hospital. Oh and this guy is a doctor. How did I get here, what happened? Where is Damien? The last thing I remember, I told him about everything. My heart started beating fast and I swallowed a lump in my throat. He isn't here... Maybe that scared him, it was too much for him. I tried to get up but the doctor stopped me. 

-It's better for you to lay down a bit more. You were anaemic. You should take better care of yourself, especially now... Also, there is something we need to inform you of...- Doctor said in some worried voice and a lot of things crossed my mind. I'm anaemic... That's not so bad, right? 

-Of course, doctor. What did you want to talk to me about?- He hesitated for a second, looking at me with sympathy in his eyes and I feel weird. What the hell is going on?

-Well Miss... Your boyfriend brought you here. He said you were under a lot of stress and you just passed out, he couldn't wake you so he brought you here. He told us to do all the tests, all the scans and find what is wrong... After a certain scan, we found... Well, a lot of scarred tissue. I don't see any records here about any of that, and some of those injuries didn't heal properly. So... You must understand that is often that people who are under some sort of maltreatment don't dare say anything about their abusers. It's normal for anyone to feel scared, threatened, but you must know that there are ways for us to help you... If you have any problems, there are people who will talk to you for a start, and then we will see what has to be done. Your boyfriend seemed, pretty aggressive. So I hope you understand my concern, and I have to ask this question. Were you ever under some sort of abuse? - I looked at him with wide-open eyes. What? How could they ask me that, after years? It has been so long since all of that happened. I never thought these things will come back to haunt me. I thought I've hidden all of the traces. I removed all the scars, I've healed. At least I thought so. It seems like nothing stays hidden forever. 

-I understand your concern but nothing like that happened. No one ever molested me or abused me or anything.- I said with fear, not wanting to get into this. The Doctor looked at me sceptically and I swallowed a lump in my throat. I couldn't bear anyone finding out about this, it would be embarrassing. And I can't go against Alexander. I don't have the courage for it. 

-Miss... I understand if you are afraid, but at least you should think about the future... There is another thing I wanted to talk to you about. We've done some tests and, You are pregnant. I don't know how you feel about it, but if you want for you and your child to be safe you should talk with us.- I looked at the doctor not believing his words. How can that be possible? What? What the fuck? I'm pregnant? How? It was literally days since I talk to Damien, telling him not to worry about it, and now this? I'm not ready to be a mother, I wouldn't know what to do. And Damien was clear about it, he doesn't want to be a father. Suddenly it's like clouds gathered around me. Everything is dark, hopeless...

-Are you sure? How long... How long am I?- I asked not able to say that word out loud. I am... Pregnant I guess. This must be some cruel joke. 

-We are sure. I see you need some time to process, and feel free to let us know if you want to have an exam with a gynaecologist. Also tell us your decision, if we should call the police...- Now my head started to hurt and I'm getting mad. Why won't they leave me alone?