Kidnapped by Kylo Ren (Star Wars)

Chapter Forty

(Author's Note: This chapter is in Kylo Ren's point of view.

**WARNING! MOVIE SPOILERS!**

Forty chapters! Almost 26k reads! 1k+ votes! 250 comments! I'm in heaven guys, thank you so much!!)

I felt like the scum of the universe as I walked from the room where I tortured Nira. I felt like vermin. I believed that I truly deserved what I had just embedded in Nira's mind. I kept a straight posture and powerful composure, but under the mask, I felt panic, regret, and utter revulsion with myself. I wished I could be shunned forever.

If I could explain a few things before you abhor me as much as I abhor myself already.

Nira Leven . . . Ever since I first saw her on Tunstead, she had affected me in a way no one ever had before. She filled me with the much-familiar warming sensation, as you are aware of. She made me feel some sort of passionate way inside I felt intense fluttering in my gut and happy elation in my chest. Nira made me feel like I had another purpose than the villainous course I was on.

She also made me feel something I've dreaded feeling ever since The First Order was originally defeated.

Whenever I was around Nira, I could feel a faint presence of The Light Side in me.

During the original battle between The First Order and The Resistance, I had been struggling with completely following The Dark Side. I often felt calls to The Light. I often experienced impulses to secretly overthrow The First Order so that true peace could be restored in the universe. However, I didn't want to be associated with any part of The Light Side. I yearned for the relentless power and merciless control that The Dark Side beholds; yet, for some reason, I was internally and involuntarily attracted to The Light, even though I despised myself for it.

Supreme Leader Snoke had been able to sense The Light in me. As soon as the war was over and The First Order had been defeated, he finished my training by forcing me to experience the most horrendous things that have ever existed. I am unable to speak of them, not only because it is  classified information, but because I get physically ill whenever I talk of  what I was put through.

I took precautions against my callings to The Light as well. I fought it off by participating in more battles during the war. Every time I murdered, The Dark Side seeped further into my bones. Near the end of the war I could still feel the irritating distant seduction I had always felt towards The Light Side. I was so entirely frustrated that I still felt these invitations to the The Light. I so deeply desired to be entirely nefarious, but I was held back, even after my callous role in the war.

There was only one desperate solution that I constantly suggested in my head. I battled against myself; one part of me urged me to commit the sin I could never take back, but the other part of me begged me to remain somewhat humane.

(***MOVIE SPOILERS***)

The Dark Side of me won.

I killed my own father. I murdered him on Starkiller Base with my lightsaber. I pierced it through his body.

As he had approached me on the metal grated pathway that life-changing night, I had seriously considered actually receiving his help and letting go of The Dark Side within me. I had contemplated completely transforming to The Light.

But as he, Han Solo, had gripped onto my lightsaber with me, I realized my true destiny.

I was an inevitable antagonist.

I was designed to be wicked.

My destiny was corruptness.

My sole purpose was to be malicious.