Lest I Forget

Deceptive Cadences

Dear Scott,

I don't know when you're going to read this, if you're going to even read it at all. Chances are, you won't. So, I'm writing to you from the corners of my mind, and the only one who is reading it is myself. So, if you were wondering what I would say if I knew if the person receiving this letter would never actually read it, here's what I would say.

I'm writing this to you and it's been only a few days since you removed me from your life, or vice versa, in your opinion. To refresh on what just happened, in case you do read this, you figured that you were a burden in my life. After a bit of time just thinking, I figured that you might have somehow heard about my discussion with Ben Bram at RCA. He told me I wasn't getting anything accomplished because my mind was elsewhere, which, I agree that it was. But it wasn't affecting me in a negative manner. You were some sort of motivational pull for my every day life. I was stuck in a rut. Every single day I'd go to RCA, try to record something and have no inspiration, and then work at the diner and try to make enough money to get by. I couldn't write because I had no inspiration.

And then you came along.

Suddenly my life seemed to have meaning. There was more drive behind my morning routine. There was incentive to get up and go about my day once I knew that I'd be running into you... that is, if your day went well enough to take you to RCA. Those days were quite often, but sometimes there were days where you'd disappear and I could only assume that it was a bad reveal day. After awhile, Kirstin found out about me and intervened. "Why do you want to do this," she asked. It was plain and simple. I felt for you. I wanted to be able to prove to her that you could establish new friendships and keep them going. And, for mere selfish reasons, wanted to prove that you could establish a relationship.

How is it possible that you can have a relationship with someone when you can't even remember their face every day, you ask? Well, you made it possible. In some crazy way, you'd meet me every day and I would do everything in my power to make you fall for me. Well, no. It's more like 'invite' you to fall for me. You did that all on your own. It was your choice to fall for a crazy kid like myself, especially after only meeting me that day. It was scary, really. Most days at the beginning I found it easier (before the video... have you even watched that yet? I'll explain later.) to somehow get you to go on a date with me by the end of the day. Most of the time it worked... until you tried to take me rock climbing while I was wearing skinny jeans. You're definitely the romantic adventurous type. I'm the romantic laid back type... but I would've been willing to do whatever, as long as you were there to catch me when I fall. (Which means I'd be the only one rock climbing because I'd need you down at the bottom when I fell from only having climbed about five feet.)

So, the video. I got the idea for this video after realizing how hard it must be for you to wake up every day and be stagnant. I wanted to try something, so I got your friend Fia (such a sweet girl, and she's dating my best friend now. Funny how things work out!) to help me record a video for you so you could get a glimpse of what was going on, and I could only hope and pray you'd be accepting of it. You were very easy to convince of your crazy life, if I'm being honest. 

And it made me realize something. 

You're the most interesting person I've ever met, Scott. You can find out that your life is a complete disaster, yet shake it off (by Taylor Swift... damn it, you don't know that song yet) and be completely, well, alive. You could accept it and just walk away from the situation and strive to live life to its fullest. And, god, I admire you so much for that, Scott. You're so strong, especially when my life is normal and I'm not strong.

It makes me wonder if my life is even normal at all. You pretend like yours is normal... so that makes me feel abnormal for not accepting life how it is when you can do it so easily. I think that's what made me fall for you the quickest... seeing how much you evaluate life and appreciate what you do have. I also fell for your charm and eagerness to want to get to know me after seeing me prance around in a video in my Rilakkuma onesie. That takes some guts, but you do it anyway.

Maybe I fell for the fact that you brought me life when my life was more monotonous than yours was, and I'm not the one with a memory problem.

Scott, you lit the spark in my darkness. You allowed me to see a part of life that I would've never been able to find. I'm not one to search for something long-term, especially since I didn't have a long-term relationship with my parents. I moved so far away from them because I didn't want anything to do with them after how they treated me... another story for another letter. Or not. I don't want to take away from this letter's meaning. Sorry... I'm rambling. Anyway, you give me something long-term. You allow me to take hold of life and take it for what it's worth, and to not take anything for granted.

And, if I'm being honest, I've never felt more alone in my life. It's been only a few days since we've last kissed and I can still feel your lips on mine. I can still smell your cologne, yet it's fading as fast as sunlight dims on a sunset. You're fleeting from me, and I feel like long-term doesn't even exist. And it saddens me. But I understand why you did it... but if only you had two days with me, you'd have changed your mind. You'd see that, while I'm taking a long time to accomplish an album, I'm full of life now. I've got ideas for lyrics and for chord progressions that really get me moving. And, now, all I feel are minor chords and deceptive cadences. Nothing is what it seems anymore. You've taken away the color in my life and I only see in black and white... and life is sad.

But, I understand why you did it. You thought you'd be bettering my life, but you did the exact opposite.

I don't hate you for it. I hate myself for not trying harder to get you back. I could have waited a few days. I still can, for that matter. But I feel like you'd find out somehow that you told me to live my life without you. And I want to respect your wishes. But it just sucks.

And now every day feels like a Monday. There's no escaping from the heartache. Now I've got to put it back together because it's always better late than never. I'm wishing I could be with you, wherever you are in California. I want to tell you every single day that we could've fallen in love. I feel like you're out of your mind, but I'm out of time. I wish I could be with you to share the view. We could've fallen in love.

I wake up to voices in my head, telling me that it's getting later every morning. I could do something about this... but now I realize it's nearly midday and I've wasted half of my life and now I have to throw it away. But no... you weren't a waste. I feel like I've wasted the time I had with you. I could've done so much more. Every day should be a new day to make you smile and find a new way to make us fall in love. But I'm going to respect your wishes.

I feel like I can't take another night on my own, and it's only been three or four days. I don't even know anymore. There are some nights where I pick up the phone and wish I could call you. But you'd have no idea who I am. I won't lie when I say I'm sad. But, I am. You were my happiness. But I guess I can find happiness again. Maybe we'll run into each other again someday. Maybe I'll feel adventurous and want to go against your wishes. Maybe we'll get to go on another date someday. Maybe I'll even get to kiss you again.

I'll be waiting... for as long as it takes.

I fell in love with you when I thought I'd never find love with anyone. You made me believe in love... and that's all of the long-term I need.

I'm forever yours. Maybe I'll see you again. I just hope it doesn't take too long.

Love, Mitchell Coby Michael Grassi