Dolls in Dollhouses (A Jonnor Fanfiction)

Part 10

(It will seem like there's smut but I swear there isn't. That grosses me out-AN)
The next couple of weeks I'm still continuing to shut down. My whole body doesn't cooperate with any of my demands.
It's soon visibly certain that I'm having a hard time. I'm losing weight, I been slacking on my grades, and so on. I hang out with Siris still just not as much. I'm always at Taylor's, it seems like. One night she wants to take our relationship to the next level but I chicken out.
"It's alright Jude," she reassures me, "I understand. We can wait."
"No I-I don't think I'll ever do 'it'," I say stumbling over every word.
"Your just not ready," she says like it's no big deal, "you will be eventually, don't worry about it."
I nod but I don't believe a word.
***
When I get home I'm in desperation to talk to Callie.
She's sitting at the kitchen table while Stef makes dinner with Lena's attempts of help.
"Callie I need to talk to you."
She looks up from her book, Stef and Lena try to act like they aren't on high alert as I talk.
"Ah-sure bud," she stands, closing her English book and notebook, "let's go talk."
We end up back on the bench.
"I'm just going to come out and say it," I hesitate though.
"Go on bud," she's listening with a look of distress; something I been getting a lot lately.
"Taylor and I almost had sex."
"Almost?" She lifts a eyebrow.
She's calmer than I thought she would be.
"Yeah, I uh chickened out."
She sighs in relief, "thank god."
This makes me look up, "what?"
"I said thank god, Jude you're 15," she says it like its the conspicuous answer.
"I think Taylor is mad though."
"Taylor seems like a nice person but if she gets mad just because you don't want sex then she's not the right girl."
I don't know what makes me say what I say next, "what makes her the right girl now?"
It's a question more to myself, something that should of stayed in my head and never left my mouth.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean she loves me and-"
"Do you love her?" Callie cuts me off.
"Yeah."
"Jude you know being gay isn't bad right?"
"I'm not gay Callie! Why does everyone keep saying I am?" I was hysterical.
"Maybe because you labeled yourself for 2 years as gay."
"I didn't label myself, people labeled me!" I stood up ready to storm off.
"Jude I don't know who you are anymore. Ever since Jack died-ever since you started dating Taylor, I don't know, you're different. More sad. More distant," she looked up at me, "I'm just saying with Connor you were so much more happier."
"What if that was fake too!?" My voice raises a little more than necessary.
"Too? It's fake now and you know it-actually there's nothing to be fake, you're just not happy. I know it wasn't fake with Connor. I don't know what happened with you 2 but if it's because of that picture he sent you then you guys need to talk."
"It wasn't because of the picture," my voice is back to normal now, maybe a little too quiet.
"Distance?"
"You won't get it."
"You're right maybe I won't. But I do get that you guys were perfectly happy together. I don't know about Connor but you aren't anymore," she takes a breath, "How do you know you're not gay? I don't mean this in a bad way, I just don't get it. Did someone tell you it was wrong? Or what?"
"I just-" anger builds up inside me and I actually do storm off.
I can't be gay.
I cant be me, Callie.
It's not right.