Dolls in Dollhouses (A Jonnor Fanfiction)

Part 16

***
"I can't do this anymore I'm sorry," I say into the phone, "I'm sorry but I think we need to break up."
"Why? Is this because you got beat up in the bathroom?"
"What? No! That's not it at all other wise I would of broken up with you a while ago. It's just I was wrong and confused, I don't like you like that," I explain.
"But you said-"
"I'm sorry Taylor, I really am. I was confused."
"Right I get it, whatever Jude bye."
"Wait Taylor!"
She hangs up anyways. I sigh but hang up my phone as well.
***
With Taylor mad at me and Siris always in trouble, I became alone.
I text Connor but he doesn't respond if he does, which is rare, he would either say 'I'm busy'; 'I can't talk right now'; or 'I'm not ready to talk'. He did text me about Taylor, cause apparently Taylor can't keep her mouth shut about our breakup. He seemed too excited, in my opinion.
Another week goes by and I fall into a numb depression once again.
This time I did a better job at hiding it.
I made sure I talked during dinner, get my homework done, and have good excuses when I didn't do these things. I had to prove my excuses though. If I claimed to be hungry I would eat, if I was cold I would put a jacket on but I had to make sure I didn't make this excuse by accident when I was sweating. Being tired was my most common, most used and best excuse because I could go to sleep and sleeping been the best thing to do when I came home on my awful days. It wasn't all bad though I had my decent feeling good days, just more awful terrible feeling days.
On my good days I would hang out with Callie mostly because I missed hanging with her but also because I had to convince her too that I was 'perfectly fine just in a non-perfect way'.
I also had some days where I would permanently (just for that day) attach myself to someone in the house, most likely Callie, Mom, Mama and sometimes Mariana. I would follow them around, sit by them, go where ever they went even if it was a boring grocery trip, I felt as if I was left a lone I would die, it's a weird feeling but it can get pretty terrible when I can't attach myself to someone. I'm usually utterly quiet on these days, I know everyone notices but Moms makes sure no one talks to me about it. 'He's just going through a hard time,' they'll tell my siblings, 'don't worry he's talking to someone'.
***
So now it's Saturday and Im debating on rather to get out of bed at 11:00 am. Instead I place my phone in my hand and call Connor.
It rings 4 times.
"Hey," his rough voice appears on the other end.
"Are you ready to talk?" I ask curiously as I sit up in bed.
"Well I answered didn't I?" There's something in his voice I didn't catch when he first answered; excitement maybe? A little nervousness? "So we have some things to work out."
"Go on," I encourage him.
"I'm having trouble here at school, and-"
"Are you okay?" I question worriedly not meaning to interrupt.
"Yeah," he laughs lightly, "I mean I am now."
"What do you mean?" I hang my feet over my bed as I stare at the ground waiting patiently for Connor to proceed.
"I'm moving back in with my dad."
My jaw drops, "wait what?"
"It might not be permanently though, I love living with my mom but like I said I'm having trouble here at this school."
"Academic?"
"No not really, my grades are pretty good, considering..." He trails off.
"Considering?"
"Considering I'm in football and baseball."
"Right," I'm unconvinced, but I let him go on.
"I got into a fight," he blurts out bluntly, "and I got kicked out, I don't really have a choice but to go back to Anchor Beach, that's why we're talking now so it won't be... awkward, you know?"
"Yeah I know," I frown, he's not willingly talking to me, he's just talking to me so it won't be awkward when we pass each other in the corridors, and have to see each other in person, maybe even in the same classes, "so why did you get into a fight?"
"That doesn't matter," he changes the subject before I could say anything else, "do you like me?"
A inconvenient subject, "uh-"
"Don't say it again Jude, because nobody could be truly confused, there just lost or blind to the reality. Do you want to be gay?"
That left me in shock and in a bit of anger.
Do I want to be gay?
No. I want to say, but I don't dare.
"I don't know what you mean?"
"You do to! Don't lie to me," his voice gets dark and sad, "don't you dare lie to me."
"I'm sorry," I say ashamed, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so honestly truly sorry Connor. I been confu-lost and at the same time blind. I been telling myself it's your fault for this whole mess but it isn't, it's mine. It's all my fault-"
"Jude," his voice is soft.
"No let me finish. It's my fault for this mess. I broke your heart, I avoided you, ignored you, denied you, broke you again and again and in the process broke myself. So now I'm a broken sad mess, and I can't imagine how you are doing. I been such an asshole lately, to everyone without knowing it, but mostly to you so I'm sorry for that. I been so sad and I honestly don't know how long I can go on-"
"Jude don't-" his voice cracks again making mine do the same.
"I'm not done. I know you are hurt and broken too. I could hear that clearly on the phone last time we talked and it broke me more knowing I broke you. At the same time it brought me into reality with Taylor. I pushed you away when I needed someone most, when I needed you most. I just gotten worse, so terribly worse that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I realized this pain is because of you. Not caused by you but about you. I miss you. I miss you so much and I don't know why I said any of that shit before." I took a deep breath, trying to hold back the all too familiar tears.
"Jude," he takes a breath too, "I'm sorry I sent you that pic. I shouldn't have and I know it was wrong but I did anyways-"
"Connor I'm not mad about the dick pic," I lightly laugh, "that just took me by surprise."
"But you said you didn't feel like friends anymore."
"I know," I sigh, "I was just scared about-"
I stop myself feeling embarrassed, I get up and shut the door, making incredibly awkward eye contact with Callie and Mariana from their bedroom floor.
"About what?"
"I was scared you were taking it to the next level," I say as quietly as possible but not too quiet so I didn't have to say it again.
I hear him slightly laugh, "Jude that wasn't my intention."
I sigh in relief.
"All of this because of a dick pic, technically," Connor laughs.
"Well that and my confused little brain."
"Lost," Connor corrects me sternly.
"Right, sorry."
Connor's voice suddenly drops, "so do you?"
"Do I...?"
"Like me?"
Oh.